The Purge Review

Seriously? Who thought of this shit? It's taken me four days to actually write this review, every single time I try I get so frustrated at how bad this shit is. Even it's wikipedia page links two pages of examples of better home invasion movies/shows. Seriously this crap is so bad they want you to go out and watch Jumanji instead, seriously it's one the movies listed in the home invasion movie list.

Oh I get it, it's trying to be ironic. 

Instead of us invading the jungle the jungle is invading us.

So what's wrong with this movie? It's boring, it lacks any tension and is more predictable than a someone playing ragtime music in a saloon while tension is arising among a gang of cowboys. Any moment that would be scary is ruined by the fact that they don't use good tense music. A good way to make a moment scary is by setting the scene with not just visual aides but with proper music, the music in the movie almost seems nonexistent which adds to this total lack of tension. Another problem is that it's as stale as week old bread in the sun, seriously this concept seemed interesting, one night a year there's no law, but  we watch a family who is filled with tireless stereotypes who are unappealing. I would rather watch a story based around this law but with a poor family who can't afford the same kind of security and has to stay up all night to fight for their lives. But no we get rich retards.

If I want to watch rich retards I'll watch TLC.

The T stands for tolerance.

So the movie starts with rich dad driving home from work and being a WASP. It turns out he had a good year for selling security systems and is ready for that extra moola to come in. Then we meet the rest of his spoiled family, a daughter that is so legal to watch in that short skirt it hurts, a wife that whines a lot and a son who is some kind of genius but is stupid enough to let a stranger into their home during lock down, but more on that later. The only thing that's really important to know about any of these characters is that they provided the security for the whole block and all their neighbors are pricks who are jealous of them and that the daughter's boyfriend is in his twenties and the parents don't want them seeing her for obvious reasons.

I smell a porn parody, The Urge!

So to be straight about this movie this is the rest of the plot, they lock down the house, the son sees a guy asking for help he unlocks the house, random guy they save runs and hides, young Republicans come knocking and ask for their prey back, they try and find the guy, they can't the Republicans come in, the dad kicks some ass for five minutes, gets killed, the family gets captured, the neighbors rescue them, turns out the neighbors wanted them dead, random stranger saves them, the morning comes, the end. That's really it. The closest thing to a B-plot is the daughter's boyfriend is in the house and tries to kill the dad but he dies in the process. It's about as straight of a boring story as it gets.

Fun Fact: this movie is about 85 minutes long, 80 of those minutes 

I was like this.

I'm not going to lie if I get more into this movie I'm going to smack a baby, and I for one am against smacking of toddlers. I mean there's potential here to make a freaky home invasion movie. Instead of giving us characters who really do have to fight for their survival during this night they give us a stupid plot convenience that shouldn't have happened in the first place if the dad hadn't given the code to the son. I mean I would give good money to see an anthology style film based around a night like this and instead of giving us lame stereotypical villains and heroes in the horror genre give us a curve ball, like a lonely man who's running late from the office because his boss wanted him to die and has to survive his way home, then we see the boss was Ethan Hawke's character and he seems nice but we find out that he did this to this lonely man and is getting what he deserves because he didn't lock up on time and then maybe they could give us a different story of a homeless man running away from his death soon but getting his revenge when he can get an upper hand on the situation. 

This garbage gets one who gives a fuck what I rate it since it made 40 million over it's budget out of five.

Hangover Part 3: A Mad Man's Analysis

Why lie, I really enjoyed this trilogy. It was a series with a great soundtrack and some great comedic moments that'll be quoted and impersonated from quite some time. But I'll be the first to admit that yes they should have ended after the first one but yet again why lie this series is extremely marketable and nothing speaks louder than money.

This is how it looks to work in a bank.

So why do I like this series? I just can't help it I suppose. The characters are somewhat relatable in that weird way, we all know that ass who's immature and causes chaos but you still hang with him because you kind of have to. And we all know that friend who gets shot down by the group but still sticks around, why do they, maybe they crave the abuse or maybe deep down they know that that's their role in the group. 

They could also easily replace that character with this

and no one would even notice.

Maybe it's that great soundtrack that appeals to me because of it's use of Danzig, Kanye West and Wolfmother. I mean holy crap I love the music in all of these movies, and yet again why lie they had the best use of NIB by Black Sabbath ever. 

Trust me they're happy to know a song that

wasn't Iron Man or Paranoid was in a movie.

So one thing that's nice about the newest installment of Hangover is that it isn't a clone of the first one, there's no hangover, there's no retracing steps and so on. It's what the second installment should have been, a sequel instead of a remake. Wait a second...Hangover just pulled an Evil Dead, the first and second films are a lot alike and share some similarities but are different enough to pass off as another movie, while the third installment comes in and is a direct sequel and changes the tone entirely of the series, unlike Army of Darkness which took a comedic route Part 3 takes a much darker turn and is still funny but that constant fear and regret hovers over all the characters.

Yeah that was me while writing that.

Well this review took a much different route than I had planned, maybe I should just leave this here and just say Hangover Part 3 isn't a great movie but I think it's one hell of a ride.