Why lie I had some pretty low expectations for this one, the first trailer looked fucking amazing but the only problem with it was that at the end they talked. It had real potential then they ruined something great with a terrible joke. It's funny that the movie is just like the first trailer, it looks gorgeous but it has terrible comic relief that made my stomach churn at the thought this was making adults laugh. It was not funny and I have to agree with the screaming baby in the audience that evening, this movie makes me want to scream and run out of this shitstorm of daddy issues and random cameos. I mean why the fuck did they motion capture Steven Tyler and make him look so creepily realistic?

Yeah I know that's not how motion capture works
 but doesn't that look almost identical to Steven Tyler?

So for about the first twenty minutes the movie shows every main characters daddy issue. The lead girl, Mary Katherine who is strangely named after a mediocre SNL skit, has to live with her dad since her mother died and she hardly knows him since the divorce and it's pretty obvious why she divorced him, I mean who would have guessed Arthur from Arthur Christmas would get laid? 

See, being Santa's son means Poon City.
Which is located close to a medical clinic.

So it turns out the mom left him because he had a sick fascination with a world of tiny people, why he had to devote his whole life to this crap? Character development or some shit like that I guess, because being a lovable goof is totally a worthwhile character trait. But I digress. So she's not the only one with daddy issues the evil guy, played wonderfully by Cristoph Waltz, he doesn't necessarily have daddy issues but his son who dies in the next scene does. All he wants is to be noticed and loved by an evil bad ass. Which is honestly an okay thing to want.

WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?
KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

And last is the lead guy who is a douche because his dad is dead and the man who is raising him now is Colin Farrell. So he decides fuck you I'm gonna be a rebel and goes to be a race bird driver. So all these people pretty much meet up because the lead girl is like fuck this shit and leaves her dad's house but has to chase after the dog because it doesn't understand what subtlety is. While all that is happening the Queen of the Forest,played by Beyonce, is putting her life essence into a bud and then Christoph Waltz is like fuck you and attacks the ceremony and kills Beyonce in the process but at the cost of his son being killed, all while the girl finds the Queen but before she can ask for an autograph she is shrunken down and forced to protect the bud.

AKA bunch of shit happened and I was too busy drawing this.


So she must go on a journey with annoying comedic relief characters, who I will not mention anymore because fuck those guys, and Colin Farrell. So they travel to the bird races and see that annoying guy who is going to make out with the girl by the end of the movie, which only takes place in about an eight hour or less time span. So they find him and he's like I'll only join you if I get to make out with her by the end and they agree and go to see Steven Tyler all while Christoph Waltz is scheming to take the bud so he can have a son, instead of you know making woohoo with a female. 

Well that would mean a whole lot less screen time
for this lovable guy. And that would have made this movie surprising worse.

So I'm just going to stop, I can't handle thinking about this crap anymore it's just not a good movie and the worst part is that this crap is Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, because apparently the world needed another Ferngully style craptastrophe. Seriously what is wrong with reviewers, this movie has almost no funny moments and when they try to be funny it's during a grossly inappropriate time, the characters are so one dimensional that they are barely visible on screen, it's a terrible thing because this movie is a real treat for the eyes but it makes all your other senses feel like they've been through utter hell just so one of your senses can feel good kinda like most of the parents walking out of the movie, sure they're happy their kids loved it but they had to sit there and watch this asshole of a kids movie. 
This movie gets one who gives a fuck out of five.