You wanna know the best thing about this movie, it's short. If it were any longer I'd fucking punch swine in the face until this movie was over. It's not that it's bad it's just repetitive and lacks originality. But I guess I'm asking too much from a movie called Hansel and fucking Gretel Witch Hunters. Well to start this movie stars Hawkeye from The Avengers, not gonna lie Hawkeye was a pretty boring character in The Avengers and yet again he's pretty damn boring here too. And he has diabetes, I kinda chuckled about that. Then there's Gretel she is a hot dominatrix chick, that's pretty much it about her. So those are the main characters and they're witch hunters and that's the movie.
He must have something in his contract about working with women in leather.
So the movie starts off with their origin tale which is the same as the fairy tale this shit is based on then we see in medieval caricatures of how they spent the rest of their lives until they were in their sexy ages, and then action starts and they stop some jerk sheriff from killing a woman who was accused of being a witch. They stop them because she's really obviously not a witch, or is she! Spoiler she's a good witch, which they never saw coming even though it wasn't obvious with her bright red hair while everyone else has brown hair.
"Everyone, please stop harassing the person with fairer skin
and better looking clothes than yours. She's not a witch.
She's just better than all of you."
So it turns out they were there because they were hired to kill a witch, big surprise. And turns out the sheriff doesn't want them there, yet again big fucking surprise. So they go out kill the bit...witch and find some scroll and it transports them to witch world....wait that sounds like a good story and this is not a clever story. The scroll just tells them nothing they can identify but secretly holds the end of Days....not really just a death ritual to make a witches brew that will make witches fire proof. Too bad they hardly know anything about witches and have to wait until they capture another witch to find this shit out.
"Side effects of Witch's Brew include wine, women, and song."
So the witches attack the village and Hansel chases a troll but forgets to grab milk so he can easily defeat the troll like in Ernest Scared Stupid. Man it's bad when you reference that tacky movie during this dull gorefest. Well instead of chasing the troll he gets distracted and carried away by a witch. So the next day Gretel goes looking for Hansel but instead gets knocked the fuck out by the sheriff and his goons but is rescued by a troll...but they help witches...derp herp she's a witch! I didn't see that coming. 
"You're a wiz...er witch Gretel!"
So both Hansel and Gretel are rescued, but Hansel is lucky enough to be rescued by the red headed lady from the beginning in the movie. And good news is you get to see some fine ass tail, bad news you have to see Hawkeye's schlong. After that sexy confrontation Hawksel comes across his original house and Gretel knocks his ass out. And they discover their mother was a witch...DUNDUNDUN! But she was a good witch and was killed by the village because the main evil witch wanted Gretel because in order to make this fire proof witches brew you need a strong ass good witch. And apparently Gretel was that powerful at that age...how exactly would she be? 
Yep that explains it all.
Then Gretel becomes a damsel in distress and gets captured so Hansel, Butterfaced Good Witch, and twerpy fanboy who I left out of this review on purpose because he's annoying leave to kill a shitload of witches in a gorey display of awesomeness. So I kinda got bored after this point and just stopped caring and realized holy crap the 3D and the gore is awesome...dammit if this movie wasn't filled with obvious moments and terrible acting it'd be great, but instead they gave us a diabetic Hawkeye with some dominatrix bitch sounding bored and who are doing this for cheap cash. I'm just disappointed that they couldn't bring good personalities to these characters and give me great 3D and Gore at the same time. Apparently not because I give up on this turd. I've lost interest in this forgettable pile of shit and wish I could ask for something better that wouldn't make me fall asleep. Hansel and Gretel gets 2 witches brews out of 5  |
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