Texas Chainsaw 3D, this movie in short is shit. It`s like they took all the previous movies shoved them through a meat grinder and proceeded to shit on it, then put it through the grinder again and ate it and then whatever came out of them that is what this movie is, ultra processed shit.

 Kinda like this...

But I suppose I should explain how it is ultra processed shit. Well first off what happened to the massacre part of title? Is it just implied there'll be a massacre? Apparently not, since the only massacre is that this movie exists. It's a shame since this movie starts out promising. Wanna know why? Because it shows a bunch of clips from the original fucking movie! Now all it makes me wanna do is leave and watch that instead. It then jumps to "after" what happens in the original and all you're asking yourself is who the hell are all of these assholes? Is this a fucking family reunion? 

"Hey, who ate all the finger foods?"

Well that's kinda cool adding more to the fucked up family...that is if they survived the incoming redneck vigilante squad that comes and torches the whole place. 
Well that seemed anticlimactic, well at least it was a short movie....it's not over is it? Well the only people to survive are some bitch and her baby. Well correction the baby survives and her mother gets kicked in the face. So the baby gets adopted by the hick and his barren wife.
The movie then again skips ahead but this time to the year 2012 and the baby has grown to be a beautiful 25 year old...38 years after the original movie...what the shit! Just to be clear the movie basically goes out of its way to hide this huge fucking plot hole by blocking out the year 1974, too bad it shows us footage from the original movie. Are they expecting us to believe that the original happened in the 80's? I guess they're expecting the audience to be movie retarded and think all slasher films are from the 80's. That's the only explanation I can come up with. 

"Oh, your movie helped create the slasher genre; how cute."

Well it's her lucky day because she finds out she's adopted and her grandmother has passed away and she's inherited her house. That was nice of her even though she has never met her and somehow knew she survived the fire......riiiiight. So Bitch takes her three friends, Douchebag boyfriend, Slut and guy no one cares about, to Texas and along the way they meet a hitchhiker, sadly not the same one from the original movie. He's some asshole who dies first, but you wouldn't expect that since he's such a "nice fellow." So they arrive at the house and the first thing this movie gets right shows up. There's some graffiti in front of the gate says bitch, it's like they knew what I thought about this movie. I would have gone with the more suitable fuckface, but that's just me. So as soon as she arrives so does her lawyer. He gives her a ton of keys and instructions that she never reads because reading is for smart people apparently, something that this movie is missing.
So they enter the house and no dead bodies anywhere. Well that's disappointing. They then decide to go to the town and buy some meat for dinner and leave the hitchhiker stranger behind, why? Because he's such a nice guy. So then Mr. Fuckingniceguy starts stealing from the house and finds the hidden passage to Narnia, aka Leatherface's part of the house and gets killed instantly.

*Chainsaw Noises*

 Meanwhile back at the town the Bitch meets Deputy Dildo and he will obviously be a bad guy with the mayor because subtlety doesn't exist in this shit. So they return and find out hitchhiker was an asshole who robbed them, and then they forget about him and losing all of their keys, because leaving a stranger alone in a house is what we should all do. So Bitch's boyfriend turns out to be a cheater and cheats on her with Slut while Bitch and other guy get ambushed by Leatherface. Other guy gets cut in half and bitch escapes to find Douchebag sleeping with Slut, naw just kidding she never finds out about that. So that was fucking pointless. Leatherface does however interrupt their sex and they try to get away and they do by driving into a fence trying to escape a slow lumbering killer. So because of this Leatherface does catch up to them and cuts the tires and the van flips. This flip kills Douchebag and injures the Slut. Bitch on the other hand gets chased by Leatherface into a carnival and this seems like a good time for him to kill random people, too bad he just really wants this one girl and that's when Deputy Dildo comes and save the day by not shooting Leatherface and letting him get away. 

"Yep no one to kill here."

Bitch is taken to the police department and learns of her family's grim past and agrees that the men who killed her family are worse than the cannibal murderers. I'm not saying that they deserved to be killed without a trial, I'm just saying both are equally as cruel and she shouldn't feel bad for her family, but that would mean that she is sane. So she runs away and the mayor, in a shocking twist, was one of the people who killed her family and he wants to finish what he started. Also in an ironic twist the mayor is played by the original Leatherface.
She escapes from the police department and meets with her lawyer, he then asks if she read the letter. In which she replied too long; didn't read. He explains that Leatherface wouldn't have attacked her if she had read the damn letter. He then explains that Leatherface is but a child in mind, and is protecting his home and family. But before they can get drunk and make out the mayor shows up.
Bitch runs away and gets hit by a car and yet again gets rescued by Deputy Dildo. Too bad he's the son of the mayor, big fucking shock, and he's taking her to the slaughterhouse where Leatherface's family worked at. Magically Leatherface appears and sees bitch's breast and realizes oh God that's my cousin. But before he can stare at her breast some more he's attacked by mayor dickhead. And at this point I left to do better things in my life. So I'm going to say what I think happens next.
Texas unexpectedly gets hit by a meteor and everyone dies. The Fucking End!
Oh yeah I almost forgot, the 3D sucks too. Blurry chainsaws have never been scary.

Well that's scary on a different level.

So in retrospect the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre already had a great sequel. It was funny because is was supposed to be unlike this one which is unintentionally funny. Plus that movie had Dennis Hopper with duel-wielding chainsaws

Baddest Motherfucker Award Winner 1986

This movie gets 1 Blurry chainsaw out of 5