Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

You wanna know the best thing about this movie, it's short. If it were any longer I'd fucking punch swine in the face until this movie was over. It's not that it's bad it's just repetitive and lacks originality. But I guess I'm asking too much from a movie called Hansel and fucking Gretel Witch Hunters. Well to start this movie stars Hawkeye from The Avengers, not gonna lie Hawkeye was a pretty boring character in The Avengers and yet again he's pretty damn boring here too. And he has diabetes, I kinda chuckled about that. Then there's Gretel she is a hot dominatrix chick, that's pretty much it about her. So those are the main characters and they're witch hunters and that's the movie.  He must have something in his contract about working with women in leather. So the movie starts off with their origin tale which is the same as the fairy tale this shit is based on then we see in medieval caricatures of how they spent the rest of their lives until they were in their sexy ages, and then action starts and they stop some jerk sheriff from killing a woman who was accused of being a witch. They stop them because she's really obviously not a witch, or is she! Spoiler she's a good witch, which they never saw coming even though it wasn't obvious with her bright red hair while everyone else has brown hair. "Everyone, please stop harassing the person with fairer skin  and better looking clothes than yours. She's not a witch. She's just better than all of you." So it turns out they were there because they were hired to kill a witch, big surprise. And turns out the sheriff doesn't want them there, yet again big fucking surprise. So they go out kill the bit...witch and find some scroll and it transports them to witch world....wait that sounds like a good story and this is not a clever story. The scroll just tells them nothing they can identify but secretly holds the end of Days....not really just a death ritual to make a witches brew that will make witches fire proof. Too bad they hardly know anything about witches and have to wait until they capture another witch to find this shit out. "Side effects of Witch's Brew include wine, women, and song." So the witches attack the village and Hansel chases a troll but forgets to grab milk so he can easily defeat the troll like in Ernest Scared Stupid. Man it's bad when you reference  that tacky movie during this dull gorefest. Well instead of chasing the troll he gets distracted and carried away by a witch. So the next day Gretel goes looking for Hansel but instead gets knocked the fuck out by the sheriff and his goons but is rescued by a troll...but they help witches...derp herp she's a witch! I didn't see that coming. "You're a wiz...er witch Gretel!" So both Hansel and Gretel are rescued, but Hansel is lucky enough to be rescued by the red headed lady from the beginning in the movie. And good news is you get to see some fine ass tail, bad news you have to see Hawkeye's schlong. After that sexy confrontation Hawksel comes across his original house and Gretel knocks his ass out. And they discover their mother was a witch...DUNDUNDUN! But she was a good witch and was killed by the village because the main evil witch wanted Gretel because in order to make this fire proof witches brew you need a strong ass good witch. And apparently Gretel was that powerful at that age...how exactly would she be?  Yep that explains it all. Then Gretel becomes a damsel in distress and gets captured so Hansel, Butterfaced Good Witch, and twerpy fanboy who I left out of this review on purpose because he's annoying leave to kill a shitload of witches in a gorey display of awesomeness. So I kinda got bored after this point and just stopped caring and realized holy crap the 3D and the gore is awesome...dammit if this movie wasn't filled with obvious moments and terrible acting it'd be great, but instead they gave us a diabetic Hawkeye with some dominatrix bitch sounding bored and who are doing this for cheap cash. I'm just disappointed that they couldn't bring good personalities to these characters and give me great 3D and Gore at the same time. Apparently not because I give up on this turd. I've lost interest in this forgettable pile of shit and wish I could ask for something better that wouldn't make me fall asleep. Hansel and Gretel gets 2 witches brews out of 5

First Impressions - The Cave

If you've never heard of Ron Gilbert, you've either a) never played Maniac Mansion or the original Monkey Island games b) never cared to read who made these games or c) don't give two shits about adventure games from the 80's through 90's. Well you should give tons of shit for this game, why? Because it kicks ass.

Well not as much as this game but that's because you can play as a kid on roller blades 

and everyone knows roller blades kick ass. And this has nothing to do with

puzzles or platforming but you should still play this game too.

This game has a very familiar gameplay style, it reminds me a lot of Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee. A platformer with puzzles, simple and addicting gameplay that anyone can pick up and play. So the game stars nine characters, eight of which are playable, The Knight, The Hillbilly, The Time Traveler, The Scientist, The Twins, the Adventurer, and The Monk. The ninth character is The Cave itself, which almost makes it seem like something from M. Night Shyamalan.  "Wait so the cave talks and is a character?  I wish I came up with that instead of plants killing people." All these characters play almost all identically except they all have one special ability. For example the Hillbilly can hold his breath underwater indefinitely while the Scientist can hack into computers. All these lead into some interesting puzzle solving and different paths that you can or cannot take. Sadly I still haven't made it through my first play through of this game, but I know this will lead to many more playthroughs. This game has been released on pretty much everything, PSN, Wii U, Xbox Arcade and Steam. So get it, it's $15 well spent. So get it or else you're an asshole. There I said it, if you don't enjoy having a good time and decide not to play this you're an asshole...or you don't actually have the means to play this which I apologize for saying you're an asshole.

The Last Stand Review

Alright the first thing that anyone needs to know about this movie is that it's stupid, but that's the fucking point! I mean it's a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Johnny Knoxville, what else would you expect? So in short, leave your brain at the door and watch some great car chases and gun fights.  "Hey guys don't leave me here." So the movie stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sheriff in a small border town in Arizona. He's so badass he wears loafers on his day off. He has three deputies who are pretty stereotypical and forgettable except for Luis Guzman who is almost always funny in all his roles and this one is no exception. Then we have our main bad guy who I find to be the weakest part of the movie. He's not that funny or threatening, he's kinda like a spoiled brat with a RC car. And that is where we find one of the worst parts of this movie. This skinny Mexican cartel leader is supposed to fight Schwarzenegger and be a "threat", I'm not too amused by this. I mean give me a stereotypical bandito guy played by Danny Trejo. I mean who doesn't want to see Machete vs Sheriff Schwarzenegger, "He fucked with the wrong sheriff and he fucked with the wrong Mexican. This summer see Danny Trejo as Machete and Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Sheriff in the most blood pumping movie you'll ever see, Machete vs. The Sheriff. Coming Never!" But I suppose I'm going a bit off topic now.  A man can dream...and make terrible art for it too. Well I really don't want to give out too much out on this one but the basic plot, if you're too dumb to guess it from the trailers, is a bad guy is coming to Arnold's town and he's gotta take control and stop this crook. Lucky for Arnold he knows Johnny Knoxville who happens to own a "weapon museum". And also lucky for Arnold almost all of the town is gone to see their team win a championship football game. Mmmmm that's good plot devices. This movie also gives me another dream of Arnold being in the next Jackass movie. Well that's really all I can think to say about this movie in retrospect it's just an average action movie with some good humor here and there, but will sadly be lost with time like Cobra or The End of Days. This movie gets 3 laughing Knoxville heads out of 5

Texas Chainsaw 3D Review

Texas Chainsaw 3D, this movie in short is shit. It`s like they took all the previous movies shoved them through a meat grinder and proceeded to shit on it, then put it through the grinder again and ate it and then whatever came out of them that is what this movie is, ultra processed shit.  Kinda like this... But I suppose I should explain how it is ultra processed shit. Well first off what happened to the massacre part of title? Is it just implied there'll be a massacre? Apparently not, since the only massacre is that this movie exists. It's a shame since this movie starts out promising. Wanna know why? Because it shows a bunch of clips from the original fucking movie! Now all it makes me wanna do is leave and watch that instead. It then jumps to "after" what happens in the original and all you're asking yourself is who the hell are all of these assholes? Is this a fucking family reunion?  "Hey, who ate all the finger foods?" Well that's kinda cool adding more to the fucked up family...that is if they survived the incoming redneck vigilante squad that comes and torches the whole place.  Well that seemed anticlimactic, well at least it was a short movie....it's not over is it? Well the only people to survive are some bitch and her baby. Well correction the baby survives and her mother gets kicked in the face. So the baby gets adopted by the hick and his barren wife. The movie then again skips ahead but this time to the year 2012 and the baby has grown to be a beautiful 25 year old...38 years after the original movie...what the shit! Just to be clear the movie basically goes out of its way to hide this huge fucking plot hole by blocking out the year 1974, too bad it shows us footage from the original movie. Are they expecting us to believe that the original happened in the 80's? I guess they're expecting the audience to be movie retarded and think all slasher films are from the 80's. That's the only explanation I can come up with.  "Oh, your movie helped create the slasher genre; how cute." Well it's her lucky day because she finds out she's adopted and her grandmother has passed away and she's inherited her house. That was nice of her even though she has never met her and somehow knew she survived the fire......riiiiight. So Bitch takes her three friends, Douchebag boyfriend, Slut and guy no one cares about, to Texas and along the way they meet a hitchhiker, sadly not the same one from the original movie. He's some asshole who dies first, but you wouldn't expect that since he's such a "nice fellow." So they arrive at the house and the first thing this movie gets right shows up. There's some graffiti in front of the gate says bitch, it's like they knew what I thought about this movie. I would have gone with the more suitable fuckface, but that's just me. So as soon as she arrives so does her lawyer. He gives her a ton of keys and instructions that she never reads because reading is for smart people apparently, something that this movie is missing. So they enter the house and no dead bodies anywhere. Well that's disappointing. They then decide to go to the town and buy some meat for dinner and leave the hitchhiker stranger behind, why? Because he's such a nice guy. So then Mr. Fuckingniceguy starts stealing from the house and finds the hidden passage to Narnia, aka Leatherface's part of the house and gets killed instantly. *Chainsaw Noises*  Meanwhile back at the town the Bitch meets Deputy Dildo and he will obviously be a bad guy with the mayor because subtlety doesn't exist in this shit. So they return and find out hitchhiker was an asshole who robbed them, and then they forget about him and losing all of their keys, because leaving a stranger alone in a house is what we should all do. So Bitch's boyfriend turns out to be a cheater and cheats on her with Slut while Bitch and other guy get ambushed by Leatherface. Other guy gets cut in half and bitch escapes to find Douchebag sleeping with Slut, naw just kidding she never finds out about that. So that was fucking pointless. Leatherface does however interrupt their sex and they try to get away and they do by driving into a fence trying to escape a slow lumbering killer. So because of this Leatherface does catch up to them and cuts the tires and the van flips. This flip kills Douchebag and injures the Slut. Bitch on the other hand gets chased by Leatherface into a carnival and this seems like a good time for him to kill random people, too bad he just really wants this one girl and that's when Deputy Dildo comes and save the day by not shooting Leatherface and letting him get away.  "Yep no one to kill here." Bitch is taken to the police department and learns of her family's grim past and agrees that the men who killed her family are worse than the cannibal murderers. I'm not saying that they deserved to be killed without a trial, I'm just saying both are equally as cruel and she shouldn't feel bad for her family, but that would mean that she is sane. So she runs away and the mayor, in a shocking twist, was one of the people who killed her family and he wants to finish what he started. Also in an ironic twist the mayor is played by the original Leatherface. She escapes from the police department and meets with her lawyer, he then asks if she read the letter. In which she replied too long; didn't read. He explains that Leatherface wouldn't have attacked her if she had read the damn letter. He then explains that Leatherface is but a child in mind, and is protecting his home and family. But before they can get drunk and make out the mayor shows up. Bitch runs away and gets hit by a car and yet again gets rescued by Deputy Dildo. Too bad he's the son of the mayor, big fucking shock, and he's taking her to the slaughterhouse where Leatherface's family worked at. Magically Leatherface appears and sees bitch's breast and realizes oh God that's my cousin. But before he can stare at her breast some more he's attacked by mayor dickhead. And at this point I left to do better things in my life. So I'm going to say what I think happens next. Texas unexpectedly gets hit by a meteor and everyone dies. The Fucking End! Oh yeah I almost forgot, the 3D sucks too. Blurry chainsaws have never been scary. Well that's scary on a different level. So in retrospect the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre already had a great sequel. It was funny because is was supposed to be unlike this one which is unintentionally funny. Plus that movie had Dennis Hopper with duel-wielding chainsaws Baddest Motherfucker Award Winner 1986 This movie gets 1 Blurry chainsaw out of 5