A Talking Cat!?! Review

Seriously, what the fuck? Who the fuck made this shit, seriously this is the year 2013, this kinda shit shouldn't exist. I know it wasn't actually released in theaters or anywhere for that matter. But this shit had an estimated budget of ONE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS! They must have spent most of that budget on laser pointers since in almost any scene with the cat you can see it or the cat looking at it. By the way the movie poster lies that kitten isn't even in this damn movie. This is an actual image of the cat talking from this movie. So the movie starts out with the cat pulling a Garfield and we're able to hear what the cat is thinking, what is he thinking, fuck if I know because the audio here sounds like shit. Seriously could they not afford to touch up the sound quality for these parts? I mean the rest of the movie sounds alright but shouldn't you make the beginning you know tolerable for people so not to alienate a general audience? Well after we hear Not Garfield's speech we go into a title sequence straight from a grindhouse movie, trippy backdrop and all. Man that's some good cat nip. So after getting a mild buzz from that sequence we're introduced to our main characters a man who looks like a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Philip Seymour Hoffman and his son the I've been out of high school for a while now but now I'm playing a high school kid. Rodney is finally able to retire from working as some guy who made a website and spend some quality time with his son but his son really doesn't give two shits because he has books to read. So while not so high schooler is reading he gets a call from a girl from his class and it turns out she needs tutoring for English class during the summer...wait wait wait who gets tutored during the summer? I don't think I've ever heard of that happening before anywhere. "Sorry son you can't go swimming until you've finished ten math problems." So he agrees to this while sounding like a complete dumbass and then we're introduced to the rest of the characters. The female lead who is obviously going to be the not so high schoolers love interest, her mother the obvious love interest for Rodney Hoffman and then her brother...the love interest to the cat? I don't know but he seems kinda out of place since this is going to go all Brady Bunch and shit with the parents and the step siblings falling for each other. "Did you hear that Mike, they stole our shipping ideas." So after Not Quite a Teen's phone conversation he sees a cat's anus and is confused since they don't own a cat. But before you can say cat looking at a laser pointer the cat disappears. So then we see the female lead and it turns out she has real talent for designing web pages and business but isn't very good at English because she doesn't like to read. Her mother can barely support them and the brother is a lazy good for nothing who is going nowhere in life. Well the daughter says she wants to go to business college and the mother tells her fuck you we're poor and she leaves for work and sees that damn cat. "Where's the catnip lady, if I don't see it soon I'm gonna shank a bitch!" So we skip the next day and its time for their summer study date and guess who's lazy and watches movies and television over reading for school, dumb bitch that's who. So she tries to convince High School Wannabe that he can read to her while she swims but declines this offer because only an idiot wouldn't want to watch her swim. So she leaves his sorry ass because she didn't want an education anyways or something and we see the Rodney dad has become chums with the cat and feeds him. And I'm not going to lie we hear the cat's mind making eating noises and its just wrong. Now say Nom Nom Nom but with an old perverted man's voice  and that's how they ruined cats eating. Well we see that girl has returned home and the cat decides to talk to her....And I'm serious when I say this is the worst CGI I've ever seen this shit looks like someone put their hand up the cat's ass and is using it as a hand puppet. So the cat tells the girl to look at her computer and like a sane person she screams for help and then listens to his advice after no one believes her. She then discovers about the boys father being a computer guy and this seems like the chance to come on to this guy so she can have a future. "MMMM For some reason you got a whole lot sexier." Well the cat teleports to the other family and talks to the dad and tells him to walk in the woods and talk. He then tries to show his son this magic pussy but the cat is like fuck talking to this emo git. So the next day the dad decides hey it's time to walk because that cat seems like a reasonable creature to listen to even though cat's are evil maniacal creatures out to kill all mankind. Pure fucking evil! And at the same time the girl who has a future is going to the library to do some work or some shit. But before she leaves she taunts her brother by calling him a dumbass so this discourages him and he takes a sit outside and he has a chat with the cat and the cat tells him to believe in himself or some shit, I really don't care this point and this is barely the thirty minute point of this dumb movie. "Don't worry Chris I believe in you, you can watch this piece of total crap." So the dad comes across the girls house and he meets the mother and love at first site and we find out that they're single parents because each other's spouse was a deadbeat and left them. And afterwards I make a discovery, about 1/10 of this movie is shitty scenery shots and my God they're long and boring. AH! Smell the boredom! And you know how I said the two teens would start liking each other well it happens and we discover the guy can't swim even though his house has a swimming pool, seriously how does that happen? So the cat tells the boy to stop being a pussy and learn to swim. And we switch yet again to the other family and we get the worst fake night shot ever. They seriously put a shade of purple over the film and it looks like shit. Seriously I could make a better night looking scene shot during the day, but since they're not on a soundstage they can't do that. One million dollars and this editor must have been played bellow minimum wage to screw this shit up that bad. AH! You can smell the bad night filter! And I give up, this movie is seriously going nowhere and if you can stomach to watch this piece of shit I'll give mad props. This movie is terrible and goes nowhere and even a child will laugh at the terrible mess this shit is. Seriously fuck everybody who made this movie, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  A Talking Cat!?! receives 1/4 of a cat staring at a laser pointer out of 5