Escape From Planet Earth Review

I thought most of the actors in this movie still had careers. Seriously how much did they pay them to be in this? They could have spent less on other people and put more effort into making this a better kids movie. This is an age of Pixar and DreamWorks animation and those movies are, for the most part, serious pieces of art and cater not only to kids but to adults alike. This movie on the other hands decides,"Hey fuck parents lets put shitty slapstick and tacky jokes into this movie so no one, not even the kids, will laugh at this garbage."

Seriously Rob you have an Emmy for God's sake.

You're above doing this shit.

So Brendan Fraser is just as unlikable as usual but this time he's an alien named Scorch or some bullshit. And he's a "hero" and his brother played by Rob Corddry and he's the loser main character. So it opens with Brendan saving some babies that crashed into a planet why they're there I have no clue but I like to think they crashed because they were jamming to alien pop music.

AKA Daft Punk

So Brendan wakes up 1200 angry aliens, how do I know it was 1200 because we get an unfunny cutaway gag about how Brendan is an inept space ranger. So he escapes without a scratch and we see that the planet he lives on pretty much worships him like he was a God or something. And they made a joke of how we as humans are devolving when they're worshiping Brendan Fucking Fraser.

"Feed me your virgins!"

So then we get more grueling jokes from Brendan and then we discover he's going to the Dark Planet aka Earth. Why is it called the Dark Planet? Well whenever an alien goes there they never come back, so they presume it's for bad reasons and not for nudie magazines. 

"Look men, tits!"

So against his brother's wishes Brendan flies there and lands near a 7/11 and in front of the 7/11 is a wacky inflatable tube man and Brendan presumes this is an alien asking for help and then in the most unfunny way he tries communicating with it by waving his body but before he can do anything else stupid the army attacks and tranquilizes him and takes him to area 51. And this is where we meet our villain, William Shatner, who plays a bald army sergeant. So when the television broadcast makes it back to their planet the brother decides well I'm a total wimp but I guess I'm the best person for the job. So he boards a rescue pod and arrives on earth but not before Ricky Gervais ship decides to explode so to escape this shitty movie.

I like to imagine he literally exploded to escape

from doing anymore voice acting in this movie.

So yet again we return to the 7/11 but instead of getting an inflatable wavy guy we get two twenty something year old geeks who make friends with Rob by giving him a slurpee. And of course he gets a brain freeze and then we get the secret agents that attacked earlier to take the alien away to area 51 and then we get a pretty funny scene parodying 50' s culture and you know what no one but me laughed at that scene from this movie and that just makes me sad.

So we see the rest of our captors, there's a slimy lizard creature played by George Lopez, a mouse thing played by Craig Robinson and a Cyclops played by Jane Lynch. And apparently they were captured and forced to recreate technology they've made on their own planets and these technologies are the internets, cellphones, social networking and other crap like that. Yeah I'm supposed to believe they created all this shit?

Everyone knows Al Gore created the internet.

And they've been forced to make a planet destroying machine and they think this is alright because they'll get their freedom. And that's their biggest mistake, they trusted William Shatner. So Shatner destroys Halley's Comet because you know fuck that comet.

Seriously, fuck you!

But Brendan decides hey fuck that and destroys the power source for it. And the power source turns out is from Brendan's planet and big surprise William Shatner is banging an alien. In fact he's been doing so just so he can take over the universe.

"Our love was never meant to be, I'm sorry."

So Shatner is pissed and freezes Brendan. So this forces Rob to repair the power source and secretly rig it to explode. So he finishes it and Shatner says fuck you and freezes Rob but before we can rejoice in this happy ending of the brothers losing and freezing, Shatner starts the device and the brothers escape with the other aliens and that's pretty much the end, they let the Greys anal probe Shatner and happy dance finally.

So the animation company that animated this also animated the amazing television shows Transformers Beast Wars and Reboot. Yeah think about that. They animated two of the coolest shows of the 90's and now they're animating straight to DVD crap and then this movie.

Escape From Planet Earth receives one Greys anal probing Shatner out of five...And since this is a family website here's different image out of five.