I waited a year for this? I mean it's a fun movie and it's what GI Joe fan have always wanted. But did we really have to wait almost a year for what looks to be the same movie with some generic 3-D added? Ah who am I kidding of course it's worth the wait to see Channing Tatum die. Because seriously fuck Channing Tatum!
Fuck him and his talentless, sexy body.
So the movie begins with the Joe's in North Korea saving a person and that's really it. Weakest opening ever! Seriously why is there no high adrenaline shooting going on and why are we never going to see those cool gloves that melted the fence so they could get into North Korea? So then we see that Channing Tatum can't play videogames so The Rock makes fun of him and becomes the main character because he has bigger pecs.
Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?
It''s whoop ass if you haven't found out yet.
We then get boring filler about Pakistan and some guy was assassinated and boring filler, so it's the Joe's job to go in and smuggle all the nuclear warheads in Pakistan. So the Joe's pretty much kick the crap out of the stereotypes with outdated weapons and then they celebrate in the desert and await pick up. But soon the Calvary shows up to kill everybody except The Rock, the one female and some guy who's there to please the eyes since Channing Tatum is dead. So the last of the Joe's wander the desert while we see who really called in the airstrike. The not so president of the United States, Zartan and he's holding the president hostage so he can find the location of his boss. And does it bother anyone else that Zartan looks like a middle aged man?
He should always look like
Gene Simmons with make-up not without.
So then we finally see where Snake Eyes is and turns out he's really easy to capture because he's going to the jail where Cobra Commander is being held. It turns out to be a deep underground prison where they freeze their prisoners but apparently their mind and eyes are still working and wow that's exactly what I want in a GI Joe movie, seriously this kind of shit is what belongs here.
Too bad the first movie ruined this character
or I would say more of this.
You know what else belongs in this movie, Firefly the character not the bug or TV show, and he's there to help Snake Eyes who turns out to be Storm Shadow get Cobra Commander out of prison. So Firefly lights the night with his explosive fireflies and Storm Shadow breaks out of his glass confinement and gets Cobra out too. Then Cobra finally puts on and keeps on his trademark silver mask. Then he tells Destro he's out of the band and says they found a better drummer and leaves him there.
"FINE! I'll form my own band with hookers and black jack!"
So they escape safely, well except for Storm Shadow who gets burned and goes to the mystical mountains to cure him of his burns. Then we finally see where Snake Eyes is and he's with RZA, from the Wu-Tang Clan, busting out some mean beats. But before they can slice out an EP Snake Eyes is told to go to the mountains and bring back Storm Shadow, but he's not alone he's got a foxy ninja with him, so they're off to do something badass. And meanwhile back at ranch the rest of the Joe's found an airport and have made back to America where they're hanging out at an abandoned rec center. They think the president really isn't the president. So they decide, well time to go recruit some people, so they go ask Bruce Willis.
It's always nice to see you again Bruce,
but aren't you just playing John McClane again?
Bruce isn't convinced so he asks for hard proof so they get the female to seduce him and get a
a hair sample. Meanwhile back on the mountain, we see Snow Shadow is all healed up too bad his ass gets kidnapped and then the scene I've been waiting to see for a year happens and it was pretty impressive in 3-D. So they take Shadow back to the ninja clan and RZA reveals the truth of who killed their master...did I miss something here, I thought they were just ninjas that hated each other because that's what ninjas do.
First rule of ninjas, stay hidden.
Second rule, hate other ninjas, there can be only one!
So Storm Shadow joins the Joe's because Zartan killed their master and everyone hates Zartan. So they join the rest of the Joe's in America and they device a plan to take out Zartan and save the president because they know they're bad enough dudes to do it. But meanwhile Zartan is at a nuclear peace conference and fires all of America's nukes. This causes everyone else to launch theirs and then he destroys his and they all destroy their own. All that to get rid of all the nuclear warheads in the world. Too bad Zartan has another weapon, a satellite that launches giant dildos from space that can annihilate countries in minutes.
So before they can start destroying the world the Joe's come in and save the say with action. The End
It's a pretty good improvement to the shit that is known as Rise of Cobra. This should be seen by anyone who wants a good action flick that you can bring the kids to. Only way I think it could have been better is if the cast was a bit better rounded, most of villains were pretty good except Zartan, while the only Joe's I liked were The Rock and Snake Eyes. But at the end of the day I can say this movie gets 3.5 sad Destros out of 5
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