A Turtle's Tale: Sammy's Adventures Review

This movie is about one third montages, another third environmental message and a last third crap. This fine turd comes to us from Belgium. It's filled with awkward voice actors and creepy human faced everything. So let's dive in and watch this crap.

PUNS!

So the film starts off with a sea turtle crossing a road and nearly getting killed while his friend laughs at  him and tells him to hurry up. But first off here's a question, why are the male turtles coming onto land? I mean aren't the females the ones who lay the eggs and kinda just leave them there and all the males have to do is get his freak on before she does that? Well whatever, so the one who's laughing at his friend nearly dying is our main character and he's about to watch his great grandchildren get eaten...I mean hatch but while we wait he's going to be a grandpa and tell a story.

"Now who wants to hear about the time I porked your grandma?"

So we see all the baby turtles leaving their hole in the ground and oh god their faces are what nightmares are made of. Human faces on animals are wrong and will always be wrong. So the last one out is our hero and oh no the seagulls are coming, and best thing ever he gets scooped up by the seagull and eaten. The End...Or at least I thought it would be. Our hero says fuck seagulls and spits in it's eyes and this causes it to crash into another seagull freeing another turtle.Turns out the other one he saved is the love interest, not even ten minutes old and he falls in love. Now that's a record.

I looked up record breaker on Google and this is what showed up.

Makes perfect sense to me.

So they fall and land safely on the ground, even though they were high up in the sky, whatever. So Shelley, eh get it, the love interest tells our hero, who I'm going to guess is named Sammy, to get up and turns out he's dead. The End. Okay not really, but really how am I to believe he survived a few hours laying on his back in the open with seagulls everywhere? So then Sam-E see he's floating in the water but it turns out he's on a boat motherfucker, don't you ever forget!

Here's a recreation of that scene.

We then meet three older turtles floating on crap and they bully Sam-E and tell him to be careful out there because everything hates turtles and eats them. And it turns out everything  below the boat wants to eat him. We then meet a stereotypical black turtle, who joins Sam-E and they become brothas. So ten years pass and they're still as cute as ever and when I say cute I mean still terrifying. So we get about half a ton of montages and no real story. But soon an event happens that may just end our friends forever, an oil spill! Wait when did this movie decide to have a message. Was it before or after the fart jokes?

Remember kiddies, listen to your old friend

mister turtle, humans are evil!

Well our heroes soon escape the oil spill only to be caught by fishing nets. The end. Okay but seriously I wish they would die already. Sam-E it seems was caught by a different boat than Black Turtle, but thank goodness those evil humans let Sam-E go but lord knows what's going to happen to stereotype. Sam-E then get's shored onto a beach where a hippy finds and takes care of him. Too bad Tim Curry cat wants him dead and the hippy wants the little turtle to mate with a much larger turtle. The hippies soon get busted by the police for being hippies and leave Sam-E behind.

Stupid hippies and giving me the only good song in this whole movie.

So Sam-E returns to the sea and gets attacked by a garbage bag, and environmental messages all around., but before we can here more about the evil's of man we see Shelley again and she's being attacked by a shark. But no fear Sammy saves her and they travel together. They travel so far they make it all the way to the Amazon River and almost get eaten by piranha but instead almost get eaten by some birds. But not before humans cutting down the Amazon rain forest and save his life. Then they cross the Panama Canal only to be sucked into the propeller blades of a ship and die. The End. Okay not really but Sam-E thinks Shelley died. So he mopes about like an emo.

Sad turtle is sad.

It turns out she's not dead but has been talking with everything and everyone and is traveling to the ice ocean. So he travels there and nearly freezes to death, but he meets a whale that nearly gets harpooned. But thankfully more hippies arrive and save him from freezing and other good news Shelley is on the same boat! Too bad they don't keep Shelley and Sam-E together and let her go and keep him, but he is soon released into the wild to find her but instead finds his friend Ray the black turtle. Ray turns out has a couple mates already. He also tells him that he thinks Shelley is close and in the ship they're near. He finds her, they mate the end.

This is an example of exploiting cute animals in an animated picture to sell to kids, but really all it is is telling a crappy story and telling kids that the environment is bad because of them and they should feel bad. Gods this garbage isn't even worth talking about anymore. It gets one sad turtle out of five.