I Heart Shakey Review

You know I haven't done one of these bad Netflix movie in a while. So why not do one that has Steve Gutenberg and Beverly D'Angelo in it and they're only in it for about five minutes and have the top billing. "I don't care if I'm in it for five minutes I want top fucking billing!" So the movie starts with some kids playing with super soakers and some weird girl waving an American flag because this movie is about 'Murica! An we see our little protagonists, a little girl am her dog. She tries to sneak up and attack the kids with her super soaker but her dog barks and we clearly see she doesn't know how to use her Oozinator. It truly is a boy's toy only. And one awkward transition later we see that they're having a barbecue because her and her dad are moving to Chicago. And then I realized Shakey, the dog, looks like my doggy Tootsie. Except Shakey has about a foot on her and is an asshole dog who jumps on tables and looks confused. I would post a picture of my dog but she's afraid of cameras  so here's a picture of the movie that inspired her name. And then I realized Steve Lemme is in this movie, you know the guy in Super Troopers who wears the bulletproof cup and gets shot or maybe you remember him from Beerfest as the Jewish member of the team. Man whatever happened to the rest of Broken Lizard? Well at least one of them is working even if it's a crappy kids movie. You've come a long way. So they arrive in Chicago and we find out the dad has a pretty sweet new job and apartment lined up, too bad some ass hat has to come in and touch his sweaty pits just because he parked in a loading zone even though it looks like a parking space to me. And then the ass hat does more ass things like not letting him see the landlord but then the landlord tells him to stop being an ass hat. Pictured above: Magmar the only Pokemon  with a literal ass hat. So they see their new apartment and have a montage! Afterwards we meet their landlord...who's actually a landlady and my God she's the devil. She doesn't allow dogs or any animals in her apartments even though the dog seems to love her. So the landlady eats some scenery with ass hat and she tells him to get rid of the dog for her. He tries to but instead gets bribed to leave the scene. And then we see a touching scene with the girl crying over her dog having to leave but her dad re insures her by having a laser light show aka torture the dog with a laser. Most pets worst nightmares. So it turns out the girl is starting school and doesn't want to because the counselor doesn't know how to act. And then out of nowhere we see a random animated pee joke. And then we see the dad is trying to keep Shakey in a kennel and then bam Shakey breaks a statue and is left with some bitch who doesn't even put him with the other dogs. And we finally see the dad's new job is a chef at a fancy restaurant. And the boss is an eccentric fellow who is followed by two very gay vampires who try to suck his fingers. And it turns out his boss loves how the dad makes sauce. But before he can ask for an advance in his paycheck his boss picks the dad's nose and tells him to ask his gay vampires. And they tell him to stfu and work harder. The google search for gay vampires gave me gay vampire porn... here's a picture of puppies. So them we see Shakey escape from the evil bitch's kennel and we also see the daughter moping at school and then meeting a new friend named Sanjay. Then Shakey gets an animated montage of how he finds the apartments. He then goes Metal Gear Shakey and gets busted by the landlady and is shot before he can hide inside a box. Okay not really but she takes Shakey to his owners and they're forced to take him back to the kennel. But instead they try to be sneaky and take him back to their apartment and somehow succeed. And holy crap they put a box on Shakey and actually pull off Metal Gear Shakey. But before Shakey can pull a gun on ass hat or devil landlady they switch to the daughter protecting her friend from bullies. Nothing like a cardboard box as the perfect disguise. And as that's happening Shakey accidentally calls ass hat and he finds the dog in the apartment and chases him while the daughter at school starts a food fight and kills the bully by covering him in food. And sadly the dog is captured by ass hat and ass hat calls the dad and the dad gets in trouble at work for talking on the work phone. But before the boss can do anything else weird he asks the dad to cater a big event for him. And somehow this movie had the budget for a Lamborghini and to use that one German techno song from Super Troopers. And I now understand how they got Steve Lemme to be on this, he gets to drive the crap out of the Lamborghini. Budget, smudget, let's drive! So he picks up his daughter and she's in trouble for murdering the bully. And then she's sad about losing Shakey. And we see a montage of the dad taking Shakey to new homes, these homes include the  mafia, a butcher, a blind woman, a clown, the American Gothic, a hobo, and finally the soldier from Team Fortress 2. The soldier seems like the only decent person so he leaves him there. "MAGGOT!" So it turns out the soldier is a nutcase who lost his favorite gun because one day he was randomly shooting it in the air while getting drunk on a row boat and dropped it in the river and was too retarded to swim down and get it. Actual picture from the movie. So the soldier locks Shakey in a room filled with guns and grenades and tells him he'll be training him to be a real soldier in the morning. So then we see the daughter, who wasn't there when the dad dropped off Shakey and was also at her friend Sanjay's house the whole time, finds the house Shakey was left at. We see Shakey being trained via CGI electricity and she wants to save him. So she makes a plan that has Sanjay distracting him by trying to sell him cookies that they don't have while she sneaks in the back but he sees right through this and captures them but sadly they escape. Pictured above: the only thing they needed for this plan to actually work. So they try to sneak Shakey into the apartment but ass hat finds out and finally he gets what he deserves, a bite to the the nuts. So craziness ensues and devil woman finds out and fires ass hat for being a failure in life. And the dad is evicted and it turns out this night is also the night of the big catering job. The dad then hatches a scheme by starting a petition. Then ass hat sabotages the whole building and the landlady thinks it's the dad but the dad is cooking and she doesn't think, "Hey maybe it's the guy I fired today." And pure fucking insanity happens. This is where I'd put something about  being mindfucked but this is a family website. Truth be told I have no fucking clue how this ends because the whole last twenty minutes makes no sense. And it's sad because at first I thought this movie wasn't half bad, the dad and daughter have great chemistry but no one else in the movie is all that good. I guess at the end of the night this movie deserves two mindfucks out of five.