Evil Dead 2013 Review

I remember the first time I saw the original evil dead. I was home alone and bored, so I decided to watch that because my brother always told me I should watch it. I was about 12 around that time and I didn't much care for horror movies around that time. So I sat down watched it and after an hour or so I stopped because it was scaring the piss out of me. It was dark and I just sat there in my room trying to forget the scary images I saw. It took me about three years to grow a pair and watch the movie again and I fell in love with it and it's sequels.  When I said I love I meant over obsess. Now why did I just tell the whole Internet of how much of a pussy I was when I was younger? Because this remake gives the original some justice. It has all the gore, swearing and violence I could ask for. The only problem is that all of the characters are pretty annoying and that ending is so bland but don't worry I'll be getting to that later. The movie begins with a girl running through the woods and getting kidnapped by red necks. They tie her up in some basement that's all creepy and shit. Then her father talks to the girl and it turns out she's a deadite. So they pour Apple juice on her and burn her alive. Who knew Apple juice was so flammable? Just like how mama used to make it. So it skips ahead some years and we meet our characters, one bland male, a girl who has four lines, the black one, a dog, some nerd and the druggy gone cold turkey. So bland hero is the brother of cold turkey and he apparently doesn't like everyone else anymore and prefers relationships with people who barely talk. So we see the cabin they're staying in is a dump and even worse it happens to be the same cabin that girl was burned alive.  Nothing says relaxing trip like animal corpses hanging from the ceiling. But that's not all that they find, they also find a book shaped object covered up with a garbage bag and barbed wire. That's some serious defense not to have something looked at, hey here's an idea lets look at it anyways! Horror movie logic at it's best. So nerdy guy like the nerd he is must read this book but at the same time cold turkey is standing outside in the rain walking in circles and once the nerd reads the words he's told not to read about a million times she thinks she sees demons and shit and steals a car and drives off into the rain. Nothing says safe quite as much as night time rain  in the middle of a forest. So out of nowhere she sees that same demon girl and she swerves and lands in a lake. Then she runs into a heavy thorn area and they grab her and shoot the dark essence into her ass. She slowly goes back to the cabin and they discuss what they want to do with her in this condition and to make matters worse cold turkey takes a boiling hot shower and it also turns out she bashed the poor dogs head in. These events all seem to be in this book as the nerd looks at the pictures but he seems to not want to tell anyone because he's an asshole. So the brother says fuck it I need to get her to a hospital but yet again bad news guys the road is flooded.  Pretty much every poor fuck in a horror movie. So he heads back to the cabin and all hell breaks loose and cold turkey pukes on the black chick and they stick cold turkey in the cellar. So the black chick decides to go wash herself up but not before she can shave her face off because less face is sexy now. I'm bringing sexy back. The nerdy guy thinks to himself hey maybe I should make sure the black person isn't the first person to die in the movie. So he checks on her and she looks pretty as ever missing her skin of her chin. And she thinks he needs a good chest shave so she stabs him there and then takes a surgical needle and stabs him a few times in the eye because she thinks he needs Botox. But he gets tired of her shit and kills her with a piece of broken toilet. The others see what happens and say this is just another sad stereotype in the book and kinda just leave her dead body there. So they take nerd to the shed so they can patch him up with duct tape. Because nothing says sanitary quite like an old shed. So the lead guy tells pointless girl to head into the house to get some sugar water and who would have guessed she would fall for the sweet and innocent act of a deadite and she nearly gets trapped in the cellar with her. But before the deadite can eat the rest of her arm dumbass comes and saves the day. So he locks the crap out of the cellar door while the last female cuts her arm off and nerdy guy finally talks about the book to someone too bad the last girl turns deadite and shoots the crap out of both of them with a nail gun. After the nails run out she grabs a crowbar and beats the crap out of the nerd and then gets her other arm blasted away and that some how kills her. So lead guy makes a plan to lay to rest his sister but then bring her back, seems like a sane idea to me. So he goes into the cellar and knocks her out and then buries her alive and then immediately uses a car battery defibrillator and this brings her back to life. So he runs back inside and grabs his car keys but not before nerd deadite can try and give him a shave. He sadly doesn't have any duct tape to patch himself up with so he gives his sister the keys and burns the cabin down.  Burn baby burn! So cold turkey is free to go home, too bad it starts raining blood and then some random demon chick comes out of the ground and wants to kill her. And after losing a hand and some witty Bruce Campbellesque one liners she kills the demon with a chainsaw. The End. So it wasn't everything I have ever wanted with an Evil Dead remake but it's not an absolute piece of garbage like most horror remakes. It keeps a good tone to it and has plenty of gore to make me happy. It's far from perfect, but it still deserves a watch if you desire some good gore. Also make sure to stay until the end of the credits. Evil Dead gets three creepy cabins out of five.