Angel Dog Review

You know I kinda liked reviewing A Talking Cat!?! I liked it so much I'm going to start reviewing other garbage kid movies from Netflix. So let's start this shitstorm off with the classic 2011 flick Angel Dog. Also don't let that poster fool you, those eyes on that dog are actually that creepy. You have learned well young Padawan. So the movie begins with a kid playing with his dog to lame beginning credits music and we see that the whole family except for the dad is going on a hiking trip. Well they seem like a happy family hope nothing goes wrong. Pfffft yeah right they all die except for the dog in the most awkward car flip ever. Somehow the dog survives because apparently he can come out of that unscathed but all the humans die. Which can only mean one thing, dogs are Satan spawn. This is the only way to take care Satan Spawn.  Except for Corgis they're immune to the vacuum fear. So the man is depressed and mopes around for about twenty minutes of this movie but in between clips of him in the fetal position looking as if he has the Taco Bell shits we see the vet that's taking care of the dog. The vet thinks the man is a deadbeat who can't give two shits about his dog because apparently no one told them his family had died. So the lead vet lady who yet again is the obvious love interest of the man who's family recently died. Yep because the widowed man needs a love interest. Well I guess sex will help me forget about my son's  mangled dead body.  So he finally gets off his sad ass and gets the dog and the bitch veterinarian lady treats the dog better than the man who has obviously been crying and is miserable and this is where I draw fucking line here. I hate people who can't show any sign of sympathy towards anybody and this is supposed to be our female lead and this is bullshit. "Don't you dare compare what comes out of me as that bitch." So the dog refuses to go into a vehicle for obvious reasons so the man leave his car at the vets office and vet bitch gets overly aggressive towards the poor guy and just lets him leave his car behind. So the dog pretty much becomes his wife, I wish I was kidding any scene with them in a bed they're spooning and spooning with dogs doesn't seem normal to me. But on meth it is.... And after yet another set amount of time the guy tries to get the dog into the car but it still refuses until it knocks over a box of stuff that was his son's. And he discovers dogs love balls. So he throws a ball into his car and the dumb dog falls for it. And the female lead finally gets why he's sad, took her five fucking seconds to Google that shit. Why she couldn't do this before I have no clue but whatever. So instantly she becomes this nice person and becomes this love interest and is uncontrollably dull and this is when she finds out the dogs original owners are looking for Satan dog. Pictured above, not Satan's dog. So they travel to return the dog and they find that the original owners were never it's original owners at all. DUN DUN DUN! And they also reveal that they lost someone special to them when this dog came around. DUN DUN DUN! So the dog apparently feeds off the sadness of people and is some kinda demon that does that. So this demon is going to have to leave someday and that day is soon because the bitch vet's mother dies. So like a stripper seeing someone with more money he runs over to her place and stops loving widow man. But she never really needed the dog since it seems her mourning period lasted two days and the dog ditches her too. And as the movie ends the two people fall in love or some shit and fuck. So in retrospect this shit is as depressing as a puppy wearing a costume. Please kill me. This movie should not be viewed by anyone who is already depressed because this movie made me sad with its crappy story and terrible female lead. If you ever show this to a child they'll be more messed up by this than any other kids movie. This is more depressing than a Don Bluth movie and the ending of Old Yeller thrown into a blender. But the real question is, will it blend? I'm too depressed to actually give this a score, instead I'm going to go listen to the cure and cry in a corner because that's more happy than this shitpile of a movie.

A Talking Cat!?! Review

Seriously, what the fuck? Who the fuck made this shit, seriously this is the year 2013, this kinda shit shouldn't exist. I know it wasn't actually released in theaters or anywhere for that matter. But this shit had an estimated budget of ONE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS! They must have spent most of that budget on laser pointers since in almost any scene with the cat you can see it or the cat looking at it. By the way the movie poster lies that kitten isn't even in this damn movie. This is an actual image of the cat talking from this movie. So the movie starts out with the cat pulling a Garfield and we're able to hear what the cat is thinking, what is he thinking, fuck if I know because the audio here sounds like shit. Seriously could they not afford to touch up the sound quality for these parts? I mean the rest of the movie sounds alright but shouldn't you make the beginning you know tolerable for people so not to alienate a general audience? Well after we hear Not Garfield's speech we go into a title sequence straight from a grindhouse movie, trippy backdrop and all. Man that's some good cat nip. So after getting a mild buzz from that sequence we're introduced to our main characters a man who looks like a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Philip Seymour Hoffman and his son the I've been out of high school for a while now but now I'm playing a high school kid. Rodney is finally able to retire from working as some guy who made a website and spend some quality time with his son but his son really doesn't give two shits because he has books to read. So while not so high schooler is reading he gets a call from a girl from his class and it turns out she needs tutoring for English class during the summer...wait wait wait who gets tutored during the summer? I don't think I've ever heard of that happening before anywhere. "Sorry son you can't go swimming until you've finished ten math problems." So he agrees to this while sounding like a complete dumbass and then we're introduced to the rest of the characters. The female lead who is obviously going to be the not so high schoolers love interest, her mother the obvious love interest for Rodney Hoffman and then her brother...the love interest to the cat? I don't know but he seems kinda out of place since this is going to go all Brady Bunch and shit with the parents and the step siblings falling for each other. "Did you hear that Mike, they stole our shipping ideas." So after Not Quite a Teen's phone conversation he sees a cat's anus and is confused since they don't own a cat. But before you can say cat looking at a laser pointer the cat disappears. So then we see the female lead and it turns out she has real talent for designing web pages and business but isn't very good at English because she doesn't like to read. Her mother can barely support them and the brother is a lazy good for nothing who is going nowhere in life. Well the daughter says she wants to go to business college and the mother tells her fuck you we're poor and she leaves for work and sees that damn cat. "Where's the catnip lady, if I don't see it soon I'm gonna shank a bitch!" So we skip the next day and its time for their summer study date and guess who's lazy and watches movies and television over reading for school, dumb bitch that's who. So she tries to convince High School Wannabe that he can read to her while she swims but declines this offer because only an idiot wouldn't want to watch her swim. So she leaves his sorry ass because she didn't want an education anyways or something and we see the Rodney dad has become chums with the cat and feeds him. And I'm not going to lie we hear the cat's mind making eating noises and its just wrong. Now say Nom Nom Nom but with an old perverted man's voice  and that's how they ruined cats eating. Well we see that girl has returned home and the cat decides to talk to her....And I'm serious when I say this is the worst CGI I've ever seen this shit looks like someone put their hand up the cat's ass and is using it as a hand puppet. So the cat tells the girl to look at her computer and like a sane person she screams for help and then listens to his advice after no one believes her. She then discovers about the boys father being a computer guy and this seems like the chance to come on to this guy so she can have a future. "MMMM For some reason you got a whole lot sexier." Well the cat teleports to the other family and talks to the dad and tells him to walk in the woods and talk. He then tries to show his son this magic pussy but the cat is like fuck talking to this emo git. So the next day the dad decides hey it's time to walk because that cat seems like a reasonable creature to listen to even though cat's are evil maniacal creatures out to kill all mankind. Pure fucking evil! And at the same time the girl who has a future is going to the library to do some work or some shit. But before she leaves she taunts her brother by calling him a dumbass so this discourages him and he takes a sit outside and he has a chat with the cat and the cat tells him to believe in himself or some shit, I really don't care this point and this is barely the thirty minute point of this dumb movie. "Don't worry Chris I believe in you, you can watch this piece of total crap." So the dad comes across the girls house and he meets the mother and love at first site and we find out that they're single parents because each other's spouse was a deadbeat and left them. And afterwards I make a discovery, about 1/10 of this movie is shitty scenery shots and my God they're long and boring. AH! Smell the boredom! And you know how I said the two teens would start liking each other well it happens and we discover the guy can't swim even though his house has a swimming pool, seriously how does that happen? So the cat tells the boy to stop being a pussy and learn to swim. And we switch yet again to the other family and we get the worst fake night shot ever. They seriously put a shade of purple over the film and it looks like shit. Seriously I could make a better night looking scene shot during the day, but since they're not on a soundstage they can't do that. One million dollars and this editor must have been played bellow minimum wage to screw this shit up that bad. AH! You can smell the bad night filter! And I give up, this movie is seriously going nowhere and if you can stomach to watch this piece of shit I'll give mad props. This movie is terrible and goes nowhere and even a child will laugh at the terrible mess this shit is. Seriously fuck everybody who made this movie, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  A Talking Cat!?! receives 1/4 of a cat staring at a laser pointer out of 5

Wario Land 2 A Childhood Retrospect

I remember playing Super Mario Land 2 and finally getting to the end boss, Wario, he was a pain in the ass to beat and a great new enemy for Mario. A much better enemy compared to whatever the fuck tried killing you in the first Mario Land.

Seriously why was there an Easter Island Head trying to kill me?

Well after beating Super Mario Land 2 I discovered Wario Land 2 and this was a huge surprise. It was the first time I ever got to play as a villain in a videogame and this blew my mind. I picked it up and realized this is the greatest thing ever. I was kinda disappointed you weren't going out and destroying Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom, but instead going out and getting your treasure back from the evil Captain Syrup. And what a villain she is, a total opposite of Wario in body design.

The only thing they have in common body wise is there chest size.

  So the concept of not being able to die and only losing coins just proves how much stronger Wario is compared to Mario.   Wario also had way different attack types compared to Mario, he couldn't kill an enemy by just jumping on them instead he had to stomp on them or shoulder charge their asses. So basically what I'm getting at is Wario is a badass who is invincible. As a kid this basically translated to meaning Wario was better than Mario and that I should try being like Wario. So in translation I became a greedy guy who eats garlic and throws people with only one arm. 

Okay maybe I'm not that strong.

Wario is an anti-hero, a guy you're supposed to like but not aim to be. Well strangely enough I was inspired to be like Wario, why? Because he's an asshole and thanks to Wario I'm an asshole. Any normal person would say it'd be caused by some issue from childhood, but seriously fuck that I wanted to be like Wario. This game helped shape and form me into who I am today, but I've played more than just this game and there's almost always something that helped shape me besides games. In retrospect the things we play and watch, help inspire us, make us into what we are and who we are...fuck it I'm going back to reviewing movies stay tuned in the next few days for something shitty from netflix, A Talking Cat!?! Oh dear god what the fuck have I gotten myself into.

Bullet to the Head Review

This movie has some surprising well done action scenes. Too bad the cameraman has fucking Parkinson's and can't keep the fucking camera still for the life of him. But the good news is the movie really lives up to its title. Almost everyone who gets killed in this movie is shot in the head. Bravo CG team bravo, too bad all the bullet holes look like they were colored on by the producers snot nosed child. "Honey how would you like to come to daddy's work today?" So the movie begins with Stallone and his partner start their night by having a candlelight dinner aka killing some asshole but not his hooker because killers have codes of honor just like knights. "Alright guys remember no harming women or children so a guy named Stallone can follow our code in the future" So when they're done with that they go to a bar to receive a payment but as Admiral Ackbar says," It's a trap!" Stallone's partner gets killed and Stallone kicks some ass but the killer gets away. Stallone at that point swears revenge. But his revenge will have to wait because there's a cop, played by the Asian guy from the fast and furious movies, looking to bust him as the killer of these two men. But instead of taking him in he leaves Stallone alone and leaves to get shot up.So Stallone has to save Asian guy from two corrupt cops attacking him. Asian guy gets shot so Stallone takes him to his daughter who will obviously not fall for Asian guy, that'd be way too obvious. And then as soon as he's patched up he gets told to receive band aids and a blow pop from Stallone. It's just one of those many unintentionally funny moments from this movie that I won't mention anymore of or else this review will go on forever. It's almost as unfunny as this/ So after one awkward conversation and BlackBerry commercial later they go to a spa to relax or more exactly kick some ass in a towel and find out who killed Stallone's partner. They find out and it turns out it was Remake Conan who did it. And remake Conan is working for Christian Slater and he's working for some guy from Africa who uses two canes to walk. Unless those canes can be used as swords, he's not as cool as this end boss. So they bicker and drive to Christian Slater's house and there's a party going on and there's boobies everywhere. So they crash the party by knocking out Christian Slater while he's attempting to pee in his boss' whiskey. So they take him back to Stallone's place, while bickering again, and find out about some conspiracy no one cared about. And as soon a they're about to have their way with Slater Remake Conan comes to save Slater by shooting up the whole place. Stallone and his wife(yes Asian guy) escape safely while making Stallone's house go boom and killing all the goons trying to kill them except for remake Conan. Seriously they argue more than any married couple. Only difference is that it's okay that Stallone hits him. So Stallone and his wife go to his daughter's home for safety and I forgot what happened next but I do remember that the daughter gets kidnapped and Stallone goes to save her. He goes by himself and trades the information he received from Slater for his daughter but before he can leave safely remake Conan betrays his boss and kills pretty much everyone and Conan decides to have a shaky camera axe fight. Stallone wins and the movie ends. Well it was an entertaining movie but just like The Last Stand it's forgettable action like this that won't go anywhere. If it were just a revenge movie staring only Stallone without the Asian guy I would strongly recommend it then, but since it's not Bullet to the Head gets 2 1/2 Band Aids and Blow Pops out of five. Oh and I forgot to mention I've made it possible for comments to be made by anyone so please leave a comment so I can know how I can improve on these reviews and maybe even take recommendations.