Poker Night 2

Well I'm going on vacation to Vegas soon and I've decided to practice my gambling skills with some videogames. I started with replaying Fallout New Vegas and well that's not exactly the best gambling simulator if you have a luck of nine. Nothing like cheating your way to riches. So I was excited to see that telltale games was making a sequel to their amazing Poker Night at the Inventory...which I never actually played. But this time around I decided to pick up it's sequel on the Xbox 360. And I can honestly say this is a game worth buying for two reasons, the first is the gameplay. It feels almost like playing with some great poker player they all have their tells and all have great poker faces unless you get them drunk. Cheating is made fun with alcohol abuse. The second reason is the characters. This game brings Ash Williams from the Army of Darkness, Brock Samson from The Venture Bros., Claptrap from Borderlands, Sam from Sam and Max, and of course Glados from Portal. Now how does this motley crew even work for a poker game? The writing from the awesome developers at telltale games that's how it works. The interactions between each character is perfect, it almost feel like they were created just to play poker with one another. Tell me if you've heard this one before: four time travelers are playing poker... Now with telltale games their games are more about dialogue and story over gameplay which is a-okay in my book because these guys work with stuff they know and understand. But with poker there's not much you can fuck up here and it plays pretty smooth. On occasion I would get some slow down after extended plays with this game but it never lasted for more than a few seconds. My only other problem really was that every now and then the camera would clip inside a character during dialogue. But other than that no other tech problems have occurred in my first twelve hours or so of playing. Now like the first game there's unlockables but instead of Team Fortress 2 items it's character skins for Borderlands 2(unless you're playing on steam then you'll get both team fortress 2 items and Borderlands skins). And since these unlockables are freakin' sweet it makes playing and winning a more rewarding experience. That's some snazzy swag there. Now all in all this is a good choice for anyone who wants to play a great Texas Hold 'em simulator and doesn't want to go out and lose a butt load of money. I give this game a thumbs up seal of approval and is ten dollars well spent.

Evil Dead 2013 Review

I remember the first time I saw the original evil dead. I was home alone and bored, so I decided to watch that because my brother always told me I should watch it. I was about 12 around that time and I didn't much care for horror movies around that time. So I sat down watched it and after an hour or so I stopped because it was scaring the piss out of me. It was dark and I just sat there in my room trying to forget the scary images I saw. It took me about three years to grow a pair and watch the movie again and I fell in love with it and it's sequels.  When I said I love I meant over obsess. Now why did I just tell the whole Internet of how much of a pussy I was when I was younger? Because this remake gives the original some justice. It has all the gore, swearing and violence I could ask for. The only problem is that all of the characters are pretty annoying and that ending is so bland but don't worry I'll be getting to that later. The movie begins with a girl running through the woods and getting kidnapped by red necks. They tie her up in some basement that's all creepy and shit. Then her father talks to the girl and it turns out she's a deadite. So they pour Apple juice on her and burn her alive. Who knew Apple juice was so flammable? Just like how mama used to make it. So it skips ahead some years and we meet our characters, one bland male, a girl who has four lines, the black one, a dog, some nerd and the druggy gone cold turkey. So bland hero is the brother of cold turkey and he apparently doesn't like everyone else anymore and prefers relationships with people who barely talk. So we see the cabin they're staying in is a dump and even worse it happens to be the same cabin that girl was burned alive.  Nothing says relaxing trip like animal corpses hanging from the ceiling. But that's not all that they find, they also find a book shaped object covered up with a garbage bag and barbed wire. That's some serious defense not to have something looked at, hey here's an idea lets look at it anyways! Horror movie logic at it's best. So nerdy guy like the nerd he is must read this book but at the same time cold turkey is standing outside in the rain walking in circles and once the nerd reads the words he's told not to read about a million times she thinks she sees demons and shit and steals a car and drives off into the rain. Nothing says safe quite as much as night time rain  in the middle of a forest. So out of nowhere she sees that same demon girl and she swerves and lands in a lake. Then she runs into a heavy thorn area and they grab her and shoot the dark essence into her ass. She slowly goes back to the cabin and they discuss what they want to do with her in this condition and to make matters worse cold turkey takes a boiling hot shower and it also turns out she bashed the poor dogs head in. These events all seem to be in this book as the nerd looks at the pictures but he seems to not want to tell anyone because he's an asshole. So the brother says fuck it I need to get her to a hospital but yet again bad news guys the road is flooded.  Pretty much every poor fuck in a horror movie. So he heads back to the cabin and all hell breaks loose and cold turkey pukes on the black chick and they stick cold turkey in the cellar. So the black chick decides to go wash herself up but not before she can shave her face off because less face is sexy now. I'm bringing sexy back. The nerdy guy thinks to himself hey maybe I should make sure the black person isn't the first person to die in the movie. So he checks on her and she looks pretty as ever missing her skin of her chin. And she thinks he needs a good chest shave so she stabs him there and then takes a surgical needle and stabs him a few times in the eye because she thinks he needs Botox. But he gets tired of her shit and kills her with a piece of broken toilet. The others see what happens and say this is just another sad stereotype in the book and kinda just leave her dead body there. So they take nerd to the shed so they can patch him up with duct tape. Because nothing says sanitary quite like an old shed. So the lead guy tells pointless girl to head into the house to get some sugar water and who would have guessed she would fall for the sweet and innocent act of a deadite and she nearly gets trapped in the cellar with her. But before the deadite can eat the rest of her arm dumbass comes and saves the day. So he locks the crap out of the cellar door while the last female cuts her arm off and nerdy guy finally talks about the book to someone too bad the last girl turns deadite and shoots the crap out of both of them with a nail gun. After the nails run out she grabs a crowbar and beats the crap out of the nerd and then gets her other arm blasted away and that some how kills her. So lead guy makes a plan to lay to rest his sister but then bring her back, seems like a sane idea to me. So he goes into the cellar and knocks her out and then buries her alive and then immediately uses a car battery defibrillator and this brings her back to life. So he runs back inside and grabs his car keys but not before nerd deadite can try and give him a shave. He sadly doesn't have any duct tape to patch himself up with so he gives his sister the keys and burns the cabin down.  Burn baby burn! So cold turkey is free to go home, too bad it starts raining blood and then some random demon chick comes out of the ground and wants to kill her. And after losing a hand and some witty Bruce Campbellesque one liners she kills the demon with a chainsaw. The End. So it wasn't everything I have ever wanted with an Evil Dead remake but it's not an absolute piece of garbage like most horror remakes. It keeps a good tone to it and has plenty of gore to make me happy. It's far from perfect, but it still deserves a watch if you desire some good gore. Also make sure to stay until the end of the credits. Evil Dead gets three creepy cabins out of five.

Jurassic Park 3D Review

This was one of the first movies I have ever seen in the theater. Sure I was a baby but my mom always said I was enchanted by good ones or just fell asleep. I like to think I was enchanted by it because I still find this to be one of my favorite movies and getting to finally see it as an adult in the theaters was awesome. Yet I feel a bit dissatisfied at the 3D, I mean it had some moments with some interesting textures coming out at you but beyond that it was a pretty flat experience.

Okay maybe not that flat.

There's really not that much I can say about this movie that hasn't already been said. I recommend seeing it if you've never seen it in the theater, the experience is better than watching it constantly on VHS every time it rained. And if you can watch it without the 3D that's what I would recommend.

A Turtle's Tale: Sammy's Adventures Review

This movie is about one third montages, another third environmental message and a last third crap. This fine turd comes to us from Belgium. It's filled with awkward voice actors and creepy human faced everything. So let's dive in and watch this crap.

PUNS!

So the film starts off with a sea turtle crossing a road and nearly getting killed while his friend laughs at  him and tells him to hurry up. But first off here's a question, why are the male turtles coming onto land? I mean aren't the females the ones who lay the eggs and kinda just leave them there and all the males have to do is get his freak on before she does that? Well whatever, so the one who's laughing at his friend nearly dying is our main character and he's about to watch his great grandchildren get eaten...I mean hatch but while we wait he's going to be a grandpa and tell a story.

"Now who wants to hear about the time I porked your grandma?"

So we see all the baby turtles leaving their hole in the ground and oh god their faces are what nightmares are made of. Human faces on animals are wrong and will always be wrong. So the last one out is our hero and oh no the seagulls are coming, and best thing ever he gets scooped up by the seagull and eaten. The End...Or at least I thought it would be. Our hero says fuck seagulls and spits in it's eyes and this causes it to crash into another seagull freeing another turtle.Turns out the other one he saved is the love interest, not even ten minutes old and he falls in love. Now that's a record.

I looked up record breaker on Google and this is what showed up.

Makes perfect sense to me.

So they fall and land safely on the ground, even though they were high up in the sky, whatever. So Shelley, eh get it, the love interest tells our hero, who I'm going to guess is named Sammy, to get up and turns out he's dead. The End. Okay not really, but really how am I to believe he survived a few hours laying on his back in the open with seagulls everywhere? So then Sam-E see he's floating in the water but it turns out he's on a boat motherfucker, don't you ever forget!

Here's a recreation of that scene.

We then meet three older turtles floating on crap and they bully Sam-E and tell him to be careful out there because everything hates turtles and eats them. And it turns out everything  below the boat wants to eat him. We then meet a stereotypical black turtle, who joins Sam-E and they become brothas. So ten years pass and they're still as cute as ever and when I say cute I mean still terrifying. So we get about half a ton of montages and no real story. But soon an event happens that may just end our friends forever, an oil spill! Wait when did this movie decide to have a message. Was it before or after the fart jokes?

Remember kiddies, listen to your old friend

mister turtle, humans are evil!

Well our heroes soon escape the oil spill only to be caught by fishing nets. The end. Okay but seriously I wish they would die already. Sam-E it seems was caught by a different boat than Black Turtle, but thank goodness those evil humans let Sam-E go but lord knows what's going to happen to stereotype. Sam-E then get's shored onto a beach where a hippy finds and takes care of him. Too bad Tim Curry cat wants him dead and the hippy wants the little turtle to mate with a much larger turtle. The hippies soon get busted by the police for being hippies and leave Sam-E behind.

Stupid hippies and giving me the only good song in this whole movie.

So Sam-E returns to the sea and gets attacked by a garbage bag, and environmental messages all around., but before we can here more about the evil's of man we see Shelley again and she's being attacked by a shark. But no fear Sammy saves her and they travel together. They travel so far they make it all the way to the Amazon River and almost get eaten by piranha but instead almost get eaten by some birds. But not before humans cutting down the Amazon rain forest and save his life. Then they cross the Panama Canal only to be sucked into the propeller blades of a ship and die. The End. Okay not really but Sam-E thinks Shelley died. So he mopes about like an emo.

Sad turtle is sad.

It turns out she's not dead but has been talking with everything and everyone and is traveling to the ice ocean. So he travels there and nearly freezes to death, but he meets a whale that nearly gets harpooned. But thankfully more hippies arrive and save him from freezing and other good news Shelley is on the same boat! Too bad they don't keep Shelley and Sam-E together and let her go and keep him, but he is soon released into the wild to find her but instead finds his friend Ray the black turtle. Ray turns out has a couple mates already. He also tells him that he thinks Shelley is close and in the ship they're near. He finds her, they mate the end.

This is an example of exploiting cute animals in an animated picture to sell to kids, but really all it is is telling a crappy story and telling kids that the environment is bad because of them and they should feel bad. Gods this garbage isn't even worth talking about anymore. It gets one sad turtle out of five.