GI Joe Retaliation Review

I waited a year for this? I mean it's a fun movie and it's what GI Joe fan have always wanted. But did we really have to wait almost a year for what looks to be the same movie with some generic 3-D added? Ah who am I kidding of course it's worth the wait to see Channing Tatum die. Because seriously fuck Channing Tatum!

Fuck him and his talentless, sexy body.

So the movie begins with the Joe's in North Korea saving a person and that's really it. Weakest opening ever! Seriously why is there no high adrenaline shooting going on and why are we never going to see those cool gloves that melted the fence so they could get into North Korea? So then we see that Channing Tatum can't play videogames so The Rock makes fun of him and becomes the main character because he has bigger pecs.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

It''s whoop ass if you haven't found out yet.

We then get boring filler about Pakistan and some guy was assassinated and boring filler, so it's the Joe's job to go in and smuggle all the nuclear warheads in Pakistan. So the Joe's pretty much kick the crap out of the stereotypes with outdated weapons and then they celebrate in the desert and await pick up. But soon the Calvary shows up to kill everybody except The Rock, the one female and some guy who's there to please the eyes since Channing Tatum is dead. So the last of the Joe's wander the desert while we see who really called in the airstrike. The not so president of the United States, Zartan and he's holding the president hostage so he can find the location of his boss. And does it bother anyone else that Zartan looks like a middle aged man? 

He should always look like

Gene Simmons with make-up not without.

So then we finally see where Snake Eyes is and turns out he's really easy to capture because he's going to the jail where Cobra Commander is being held. It turns out to be a deep underground prison where they freeze their prisoners but apparently their mind and eyes are still working and wow that's exactly what I want in a GI Joe movie, seriously this kind of shit is what belongs here. 

Too bad the first movie ruined this character

 or I would say more of this.

You know what else belongs in this movie, Firefly the character not the bug or TV show, and he's there to help Snake Eyes who turns out to be Storm Shadow get Cobra Commander out of prison. So Firefly lights the night with his explosive fireflies and Storm Shadow breaks out of his glass confinement and gets Cobra out too. Then Cobra finally puts on and keeps on his trademark silver mask. Then he tells Destro he's out of the band and says they found a better drummer and leaves him there.

"FINE! I'll form my own band with hookers and black jack!"

So they escape safely, well except for Storm Shadow who gets burned and goes to the mystical mountains to cure him of his burns. Then we finally see where Snake Eyes is and he's with RZA, from the Wu-Tang Clan, busting out some mean beats. But before they can slice out an EP Snake Eyes is told to go to the mountains and bring back Storm Shadow, but he's not alone he's got a foxy ninja with him, so they're off to do something badass. And meanwhile back at ranch the rest of the Joe's found an airport and have made back to America where they're hanging out at an abandoned rec center. They think the president really isn't the president. So they decide, well time to go recruit some people, so they go ask Bruce Willis. 

It's always nice to see you again Bruce,

but aren't you just playing John McClane again?

Bruce isn't convinced so he asks for hard proof so they get the female to seduce him and get a 

a hair sample. Meanwhile back on the mountain, we see Snow Shadow is all healed up too bad his ass gets kidnapped and then the scene I've been waiting to see for a year happens and it was pretty impressive in 3-D. So they take Shadow back to the ninja clan and RZA reveals the truth of who killed their master...did I miss something here, I thought they were just ninjas that hated each other because that's what ninjas do.

First rule of ninjas, stay hidden.

Second rule, hate other ninjas, there can be only one!

So Storm Shadow joins the Joe's because Zartan killed their master and everyone hates Zartan. So they join the rest of the Joe's in America and they device a plan to take out Zartan and save the president because they know they're bad enough dudes to do it. But meanwhile Zartan is at a nuclear peace conference and fires all of America's nukes. This causes everyone else to launch theirs and then he destroys his and they all destroy their own. All that to get rid of all the nuclear warheads in the world. Too bad Zartan has another weapon, a satellite that launches giant dildos from space that can annihilate countries in minutes.

So before they can start destroying the world the Joe's come in and save the say with action. The End

It's a pretty good improvement to the shit that is known as Rise of Cobra. This should be seen by anyone who wants a good action flick that you can bring the kids to. Only way I think it could have been better is if the cast was a bit better rounded, most of villains were pretty good except Zartan, while the only Joe's I liked were The Rock and Snake Eyes. But at the end of the day I can say this movie gets 3.5 sad Destros out of 5

The Croods Review

This is what all family movies should strive to be, entertaining and a work of art. This is one of the most gorgeous worlds I've ever seen. All these characters are so well designed and so much different from one another and the creative and wonderful animals are just a thrill to look at.

Plus having Nicolas Cage doesn't hurt either.

So the movie starts out with some cave painting style 2-D animation and explains who the Croods are, a modern stone age family. All of their neighbors have sadly been killed in the most hilarious ways all for one good reason, they don't have Nicolas Cage as the man of the cave. His basic instincts are to listen to tradition and that new is bad. 

Never doubt the word of Nicolas Cage.

-Nicolas Cage

So then the actual movie starts and we see the Croods leaving their cave to go hunting. And my god when they're running it's just such smooth animation and almost feels like watching a marathon during the olyimpics. It's just so orgasmic.So they get an egg and it feeds everyone but Nic Cage's character but he says it's fine because hell we don't eat ever.

Fun Fact: Nicolas Cage can do this in real life too.

He receives sustenance through acting.

And like the cavemen they are darkness is a scary concept so everyone piles into the cave except for Emma Stone's character, she stays out and tries to catch the last ray of light. Which angers her father who in the next scene makes an example of her curiosity by telling a story that ends with the character dying, it seems he's done this story a few times already. So they sleep the night away until out of nowhere Emma sees a light from outside the cave and she discovers it's a boy who harnesses the power of fire.

Fun Fact: Nicolas Cage once awoke one night

to see a naked man eating a fudgecicle while he was sleeping.

The boy's name is Guy and he warns her of the coming of the end of days. She thinks he's crazy and he gives her a conch just in case she survives and wants to hook up later on. And before she can return to the cave her dad finds her and she's grounded but not before an earthquake destroys their cave and reveals a whole new world to them.

I was going to put an Aladdin picture here but

apparently everyone has to make their own fan adaption of that scene.

Nothing like seeing Aladdin with every other Disney Princess.

But this new, strange world isn't without it's dangers, a giant sabretoothed cat chases them and then there's the monkeys that kick Nic's ass. Then of course there's the land whale that gets eaten by piranha like birds. But because of Emma's quick thinking she summons Guy to the rescue them with his fire. Of course this causes them to forcibly trap Guy and have him lead them to safety. 

Also hollow logs make for great restraints apparently.

So then they begin the first ever road trip with annoying family problems and all. Then they finally stop so they can hunt and Guy shows them how to really hunt by using a trap. This has the group, except Cage, start accepting Guy more than Cage. We get a montage of all the wacky stuff they encounter and how Guy knows what to do.

Fun Fact: when Nic Cage's characters are sad, he's sad.

So Nic Cage goes through the worlds first mid life crisis and it causes Nic and Guy to get caught in a tar pit. So Guy comes up with an idea to get them out and Nic forgives him for all the crap he put Guy through. But before they hug the world is going boom. And they're trapped at a cliff and the only reasonable thing to do is for Nic Cage to throw everyone across the cliff and sacrifice himself.

Why yes, Nicolas Cage does have all eight virtues

 of the Avatar from the Ultima series.

So Nic is stuck in the destruction but finds a way over by using his brain and captures a bunch of piranha birds with tar and safely makes it over, and happy endings for all!

So in short this movie is simple but fun. You can expect to chuckle from all the physical humor and charming characters. So this movie gets four Nicolas Cages out of  five. 

I Heart Shakey Review

You know I haven't done one of these bad Netflix movie in a while. So why not do one that has Steve Gutenberg and Beverly D'Angelo in it and they're only in it for about five minutes and have the top billing. "I don't care if I'm in it for five minutes I want top fucking billing!" So the movie starts with some kids playing with super soakers and some weird girl waving an American flag because this movie is about 'Murica! An we see our little protagonists, a little girl am her dog. She tries to sneak up and attack the kids with her super soaker but her dog barks and we clearly see she doesn't know how to use her Oozinator. It truly is a boy's toy only. And one awkward transition later we see that they're having a barbecue because her and her dad are moving to Chicago. And then I realized Shakey, the dog, looks like my doggy Tootsie. Except Shakey has about a foot on her and is an asshole dog who jumps on tables and looks confused. I would post a picture of my dog but she's afraid of cameras  so here's a picture of the movie that inspired her name. And then I realized Steve Lemme is in this movie, you know the guy in Super Troopers who wears the bulletproof cup and gets shot or maybe you remember him from Beerfest as the Jewish member of the team. Man whatever happened to the rest of Broken Lizard? Well at least one of them is working even if it's a crappy kids movie. You've come a long way. So they arrive in Chicago and we find out the dad has a pretty sweet new job and apartment lined up, too bad some ass hat has to come in and touch his sweaty pits just because he parked in a loading zone even though it looks like a parking space to me. And then the ass hat does more ass things like not letting him see the landlord but then the landlord tells him to stop being an ass hat. Pictured above: Magmar the only Pokemon  with a literal ass hat. So they see their new apartment and have a montage! Afterwards we meet their landlord...who's actually a landlady and my God she's the devil. She doesn't allow dogs or any animals in her apartments even though the dog seems to love her. So the landlady eats some scenery with ass hat and she tells him to get rid of the dog for her. He tries to but instead gets bribed to leave the scene. And then we see a touching scene with the girl crying over her dog having to leave but her dad re insures her by having a laser light show aka torture the dog with a laser. Most pets worst nightmares. So it turns out the girl is starting school and doesn't want to because the counselor doesn't know how to act. And then out of nowhere we see a random animated pee joke. And then we see the dad is trying to keep Shakey in a kennel and then bam Shakey breaks a statue and is left with some bitch who doesn't even put him with the other dogs. And we finally see the dad's new job is a chef at a fancy restaurant. And the boss is an eccentric fellow who is followed by two very gay vampires who try to suck his fingers. And it turns out his boss loves how the dad makes sauce. But before he can ask for an advance in his paycheck his boss picks the dad's nose and tells him to ask his gay vampires. And they tell him to stfu and work harder. The google search for gay vampires gave me gay vampire porn... here's a picture of puppies. So them we see Shakey escape from the evil bitch's kennel and we also see the daughter moping at school and then meeting a new friend named Sanjay. Then Shakey gets an animated montage of how he finds the apartments. He then goes Metal Gear Shakey and gets busted by the landlady and is shot before he can hide inside a box. Okay not really but she takes Shakey to his owners and they're forced to take him back to the kennel. But instead they try to be sneaky and take him back to their apartment and somehow succeed. And holy crap they put a box on Shakey and actually pull off Metal Gear Shakey. But before Shakey can pull a gun on ass hat or devil landlady they switch to the daughter protecting her friend from bullies. Nothing like a cardboard box as the perfect disguise. And as that's happening Shakey accidentally calls ass hat and he finds the dog in the apartment and chases him while the daughter at school starts a food fight and kills the bully by covering him in food. And sadly the dog is captured by ass hat and ass hat calls the dad and the dad gets in trouble at work for talking on the work phone. But before the boss can do anything else weird he asks the dad to cater a big event for him. And somehow this movie had the budget for a Lamborghini and to use that one German techno song from Super Troopers. And I now understand how they got Steve Lemme to be on this, he gets to drive the crap out of the Lamborghini. Budget, smudget, let's drive! So he picks up his daughter and she's in trouble for murdering the bully. And then she's sad about losing Shakey. And we see a montage of the dad taking Shakey to new homes, these homes include the  mafia, a butcher, a blind woman, a clown, the American Gothic, a hobo, and finally the soldier from Team Fortress 2. The soldier seems like the only decent person so he leaves him there. "MAGGOT!" So it turns out the soldier is a nutcase who lost his favorite gun because one day he was randomly shooting it in the air while getting drunk on a row boat and dropped it in the river and was too retarded to swim down and get it. Actual picture from the movie. So the soldier locks Shakey in a room filled with guns and grenades and tells him he'll be training him to be a real soldier in the morning. So then we see the daughter, who wasn't there when the dad dropped off Shakey and was also at her friend Sanjay's house the whole time, finds the house Shakey was left at. We see Shakey being trained via CGI electricity and she wants to save him. So she makes a plan that has Sanjay distracting him by trying to sell him cookies that they don't have while she sneaks in the back but he sees right through this and captures them but sadly they escape. Pictured above: the only thing they needed for this plan to actually work. So they try to sneak Shakey into the apartment but ass hat finds out and finally he gets what he deserves, a bite to the the nuts. So craziness ensues and devil woman finds out and fires ass hat for being a failure in life. And the dad is evicted and it turns out this night is also the night of the big catering job. The dad then hatches a scheme by starting a petition. Then ass hat sabotages the whole building and the landlady thinks it's the dad but the dad is cooking and she doesn't think, "Hey maybe it's the guy I fired today." And pure fucking insanity happens. This is where I'd put something about  being mindfucked but this is a family website. Truth be told I have no fucking clue how this ends because the whole last twenty minutes makes no sense. And it's sad because at first I thought this movie wasn't half bad, the dad and daughter have great chemistry but no one else in the movie is all that good. I guess at the end of the night this movie deserves two mindfucks out of five.

Oz the Great and Powerful Review

Now here's a surprise, I actually really liked this movie. I actually prefer the books to the 1939 movie. Though it's in no means an adaption to any of the books, it mostly takes inspiration from them. Which is A-Okay in my book.

And it's A-Okay with my co-host, stock images.

So the movie starts off with us seeing how much of an assbag Oz was before going to Oz. And turns out he's a womanizing con artist like all good heroes. So we see him try to score with a farm girl and he gives her a music box but before this movie goes somewhere awesome he must do a performance. So he preforms and a little girl thinks he can heal her legs so she can walk again. Obviously he can't but the Kansas folk get angry at him because he's not Raptor Jesus.

Have you heard the good word of Raptor Jesus today?

So he runs out of there and calls his assistant a monkey and before he can spank the monkey he sees an old girlfriend of his and turns out she's getting married and lets him know because he's an asshole. As he puts it he wants to be a great man not a good man. But before he can give her a music box. the Strongman sees that he gave his woman a music box and Strongmad does not appreciate someone else banging his gal.

And Stongmad doesn't take shit from anybody.

So Oz runs away onto an air balloon and gets swept away into a bad colored transition and arrives in Oz. And Oz meets Mila Kunis and she's a witch, what kind of witch? Well that's a complicated answer so let's leave it at neutral. So she thinks that Oz is the wizard to set this land free from it's evil hold. So she takes him to the Emerald City and he gives her a music box and also along the way he saves a flying monkey from a reference. So the monkey becomes his servant.

Hopefully this doesn't turn to Monkey Shines. 

Just saying killer flying monkey way scarier than regular killer monkey.

So they arrive at the Emerald City and Evanora, Mila's sister, questions whether he's really the wizard they foresaw to free them. So she sends him on a quest to kill the Wicked Witch so he agrees only so he can recreate the intro to Ducktales everyday of his life.

Oz Tales WOOOoooOOOH!

\So him and his monkey helper travel down to the road and soon discover China Town and no not that China Town, a literal town made of fine China. Sadly it was recently attacked by flying monkeys and only on porcelain person seems to have survived but sadly her legs were destroyed so they get her a wheelchair and go down the road. Okay no Oz just glues her legs back and she wishes to travel with them but Oz says no because why lie she's made of fucking porcelain but she humps his leg and this changes his mind.

"Please don't leave without me!"

So they arrive in the Dark Forest and try to ambush the witch and steal her wand but it turns out she's actually Glinda the "Good" Witch but she explains that she's not the evil one here her sister Evanora is! PLOT TWIST that is unless you've read the books or seen any of the other movies. So before he can give her a music box it turns out Evanora was watching them and so was Mila and she sicks her army of flying monkeys and Winkies. Also it turns out Oz gave a music box to Evanora too and Mila is heartbroken at this and decides well I have nothing better to do with my life might as well eat an apple to make me evil. Because everyone knows apples are and will always be call evil.

PURE FUCKING EVIL!

So Glinda takes Oz and his friends to the safe zone where we meet the Quadlings, the Tinkers and the Munchkins. And let me say it right here, thank god there were midgets in this because if there weren't I was going to be pissed. So Glinda says well we need to take over the city of Oz and this is your army, are you a bad enough dude to help us. But before he can agree we see the new Mila and let me tell you they did a pretty good job at making her still hot with that layer of makeup.

Like Bad Ending Banjo and Kazooie Gruntilda sexy.

So Mila basically declares war with the peaceful folk of Oz and declares the yellow brick road will be red with the blood of her enemies. That's pretty grim, I like the direction that this movie went. So Oz conducts a plan that includes scarecrows, an image projector, smoke machine, tons of fireworks and a hot air balloon. So first he uses the scarecrows to fool the flying monkeys into the poppy fields. Which causes them to go into an eternal slumber. But before all of them can escape they capture Glinda. But no worries the rest of the plan didn't need her. So Oz gets into the Emerald City by fooling Bruce Campbell into letting him in.

Fool me once, shame on you. 

Fool me twice well that's called a boomstick to the face.

So Oz fools everyone that he's dead by filling his hot air balloon with money and letting Mila destroy it but unbeknownst to her he wasn't there but is now projecting an enlarged image of his head which is nice nod to the original story. This makes him seem invincible and the witches leave and happy endings for everyone!

So I can see why some people will call blasphemy to this movie when comparing it to the 1939 movie but I like it, as much as I poke fun of it it's a decent flick. I love the books and I've always wanted to see them made into more movies and see this creative world come to life. The original 1939 did a good enough job for it's time but nowadays we have a lot better technology to create this crazy fucking world and I'd like for them to explore this world even more and to separate itself from the 1939 movie and just take it's source from just the books. Also lay off the CGI, I want more practical effects.

So at the end of the day I can honestly give this movie 4 music boxes out of 5.

Escape From Planet Earth Review

I thought most of the actors in this movie still had careers. Seriously how much did they pay them to be in this? They could have spent less on other people and put more effort into making this a better kids movie. This is an age of Pixar and DreamWorks animation and those movies are, for the most part, serious pieces of art and cater not only to kids but to adults alike. This movie on the other hands decides,"Hey fuck parents lets put shitty slapstick and tacky jokes into this movie so no one, not even the kids, will laugh at this garbage."

Seriously Rob you have an Emmy for God's sake.

You're above doing this shit.

So Brendan Fraser is just as unlikable as usual but this time he's an alien named Scorch or some bullshit. And he's a "hero" and his brother played by Rob Corddry and he's the loser main character. So it opens with Brendan saving some babies that crashed into a planet why they're there I have no clue but I like to think they crashed because they were jamming to alien pop music.

AKA Daft Punk

So Brendan wakes up 1200 angry aliens, how do I know it was 1200 because we get an unfunny cutaway gag about how Brendan is an inept space ranger. So he escapes without a scratch and we see that the planet he lives on pretty much worships him like he was a God or something. And they made a joke of how we as humans are devolving when they're worshiping Brendan Fucking Fraser.

"Feed me your virgins!"

So then we get more grueling jokes from Brendan and then we discover he's going to the Dark Planet aka Earth. Why is it called the Dark Planet? Well whenever an alien goes there they never come back, so they presume it's for bad reasons and not for nudie magazines. 

"Look men, tits!"

So against his brother's wishes Brendan flies there and lands near a 7/11 and in front of the 7/11 is a wacky inflatable tube man and Brendan presumes this is an alien asking for help and then in the most unfunny way he tries communicating with it by waving his body but before he can do anything else stupid the army attacks and tranquilizes him and takes him to area 51. And this is where we meet our villain, William Shatner, who plays a bald army sergeant. So when the television broadcast makes it back to their planet the brother decides well I'm a total wimp but I guess I'm the best person for the job. So he boards a rescue pod and arrives on earth but not before Ricky Gervais ship decides to explode so to escape this shitty movie.

I like to imagine he literally exploded to escape

from doing anymore voice acting in this movie.

So yet again we return to the 7/11 but instead of getting an inflatable wavy guy we get two twenty something year old geeks who make friends with Rob by giving him a slurpee. And of course he gets a brain freeze and then we get the secret agents that attacked earlier to take the alien away to area 51 and then we get a pretty funny scene parodying 50' s culture and you know what no one but me laughed at that scene from this movie and that just makes me sad.

So we see the rest of our captors, there's a slimy lizard creature played by George Lopez, a mouse thing played by Craig Robinson and a Cyclops played by Jane Lynch. And apparently they were captured and forced to recreate technology they've made on their own planets and these technologies are the internets, cellphones, social networking and other crap like that. Yeah I'm supposed to believe they created all this shit?

Everyone knows Al Gore created the internet.

And they've been forced to make a planet destroying machine and they think this is alright because they'll get their freedom. And that's their biggest mistake, they trusted William Shatner. So Shatner destroys Halley's Comet because you know fuck that comet.

Seriously, fuck you!

But Brendan decides hey fuck that and destroys the power source for it. And the power source turns out is from Brendan's planet and big surprise William Shatner is banging an alien. In fact he's been doing so just so he can take over the universe.

"Our love was never meant to be, I'm sorry."

So Shatner is pissed and freezes Brendan. So this forces Rob to repair the power source and secretly rig it to explode. So he finishes it and Shatner says fuck you and freezes Rob but before we can rejoice in this happy ending of the brothers losing and freezing, Shatner starts the device and the brothers escape with the other aliens and that's pretty much the end, they let the Greys anal probe Shatner and happy dance finally.

So the animation company that animated this also animated the amazing television shows Transformers Beast Wars and Reboot. Yeah think about that. They animated two of the coolest shows of the 90's and now they're animating straight to DVD crap and then this movie.

Escape From Planet Earth receives one Greys anal probing Shatner out of five...And since this is a family website here's different image out of five.